This chapter is finally over and I’m ready to move on to the next. Yes, this will be my final post to this blog. I’ve written about love, loss, motherhood, the odds & ends that make up my everyday life, and recently abuse. I think I’ve let most of my skeletons out of the closet with this one. Writing in this blog has been an amazing experience. I searched daily for The Point Of it All. What have I found? That the beautiful blonde hair blue eyed angel I tuck in bed every night is infact…the point of it all. Without everything I’ve been through she would not have been created. I’m grateful for my experiences good or bad because I’ve learned so much. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I’m excited to share my new adventures with everyone in Beautifully Human. To view this blog go to http://beautifullyhuman2011.blogspot.com/
Happy reading!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Acceptance
Acceptance
I received news recently that a friend of mine had been a victim of rape almost 10 years ago. How could she never have said anything? Why was he not reported? How did I not know? I sat in shock as she continued to tell her story over the phone.
Sarah: It’s just one of those things. It happened. No big deal.
Myself: What do you mean just one of those things? Sarah that is not okay! Why didn’t you call the police?
Sarah: He didn’t mean to and we both were tipsy. Plus I was embarrassed and didn’t know what people would think. You know my reputation. Nobody would have believed me.
Myself: You’re so damn stupid! It was RAPE! He forced himself on you and you said no! I don’t get why women have such a hard time admitting that.
Sarah: Hold up….how are you gonna talk? Don’t you remember what happened with you and Paul? Last time I checked that was the same damn thing!
Myself: No, no, no…I wouldn’t call it rape.
Sarah: Hmph…Did you tell him to stop?
Myself: Well yes.
Sarah: Did he?
Myself: Once he was done. But he was drunk… he didn't know what he was doing… (silence)
Right there I realized just how easy it is for men to get away with things like this. I’ve always looked back at that night and had an uncomfortable feeling inside. I realize now there was a reason every time I drove passed that hotel I would look the opposite way. Did I really try to pretend it never happened? He had way too much to drink that night. I knew he didn't mean it. Besides, I agreed at first so I had to allow him to finish, right? Ugh! I could slap myself right now. I sound like one of those women. You know, the ones that make excuses for the things men do. The reality of the situation…I asked him to stop. Then I begged him to stop. I tried to push him off but given his size and the position we were in there was no way he was moving. I smelled the alcohol on his breath as he whispered in my ear to just “hold on”. That he was almost done. At that moment I felt my entire body go numb. It no longer hurt. I laid as still as possible, praying that it would be over soon. Tears rolled down my face as I tried to imagine myself in a better place. What was only a minute or two felt like an eternity. I wish I could say that once it was over I left but that was not how it went at all. He looked over at me and realized how hard I had been crying and quickly sobered up. He just kept telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me. That he’d zoned out and didn’t realize what he was doing. He tried to hold me but stopped when he realized that his touch had me shaking. “Baby I’m sorry…are you okay?” he asked. I couldn’t say a word. I just laid there and eventually we both went to sleep.
I wasn’t sure whether or not I should share this. It’s something extremely personal and obviously I’ve kept it a secret for a very long time now. The more I thought about it and the more I thought about how long Sarah had kept this from me the angrier I got. This is not something that is okay and it shouldn’t just be forgotten. I tried to put this as far back in my head as possible but when I really think about it I’ve carried it with me the entire time. It’s affected my relationships with not just men but people in general. I’m not looking for a pity party but if this helps just one person come forward or accept that this is NOT your fault then I feel like it was worth letting this out.
Sarah: It’s just one of those things. It happened. No big deal.
Myself: What do you mean just one of those things? Sarah that is not okay! Why didn’t you call the police?
Sarah: He didn’t mean to and we both were tipsy. Plus I was embarrassed and didn’t know what people would think. You know my reputation. Nobody would have believed me.
Myself: You’re so damn stupid! It was RAPE! He forced himself on you and you said no! I don’t get why women have such a hard time admitting that.
Sarah: Hold up….how are you gonna talk? Don’t you remember what happened with you and Paul? Last time I checked that was the same damn thing!
Myself: No, no, no…I wouldn’t call it rape.
Sarah: Hmph…Did you tell him to stop?
Myself: Well yes.
Sarah: Did he?
Myself: Once he was done. But he was drunk… he didn't know what he was doing… (silence)
Right there I realized just how easy it is for men to get away with things like this. I’ve always looked back at that night and had an uncomfortable feeling inside. I realize now there was a reason every time I drove passed that hotel I would look the opposite way. Did I really try to pretend it never happened? He had way too much to drink that night. I knew he didn't mean it. Besides, I agreed at first so I had to allow him to finish, right? Ugh! I could slap myself right now. I sound like one of those women. You know, the ones that make excuses for the things men do. The reality of the situation…I asked him to stop. Then I begged him to stop. I tried to push him off but given his size and the position we were in there was no way he was moving. I smelled the alcohol on his breath as he whispered in my ear to just “hold on”. That he was almost done. At that moment I felt my entire body go numb. It no longer hurt. I laid as still as possible, praying that it would be over soon. Tears rolled down my face as I tried to imagine myself in a better place. What was only a minute or two felt like an eternity. I wish I could say that once it was over I left but that was not how it went at all. He looked over at me and realized how hard I had been crying and quickly sobered up. He just kept telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me. That he’d zoned out and didn’t realize what he was doing. He tried to hold me but stopped when he realized that his touch had me shaking. “Baby I’m sorry…are you okay?” he asked. I couldn’t say a word. I just laid there and eventually we both went to sleep.
I wasn’t sure whether or not I should share this. It’s something extremely personal and obviously I’ve kept it a secret for a very long time now. The more I thought about it and the more I thought about how long Sarah had kept this from me the angrier I got. This is not something that is okay and it shouldn’t just be forgotten. I tried to put this as far back in my head as possible but when I really think about it I’ve carried it with me the entire time. It’s affected my relationships with not just men but people in general. I’m not looking for a pity party but if this helps just one person come forward or accept that this is NOT your fault then I feel like it was worth letting this out.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Rodeo Time!
Super exhausted. I took the day off yesterday so I could spend the day with Makenna. Boy she wore me out. We ended up going to the Rodeo. This was her 2nd time to go and I must say she really did enjoy herself. She loved the petting zoo and really liked the actual rodeo. To top it off Dierks Bentley was performing last night which made everything that much better. =) So glad I decided to go after all. Now I just need to get home so I can rest up before our busy week. Britt is turning 22 this weekend so we have all sorts of things planned.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Final court date for Child Support
Today was the last day for court. Thank goodness! This whole process has been exhausting. Lamonte’s payment amount has been set and I’ve been instructed to start saving any medical receipts for Makenna so that I can mail them to him for his records. According to the documentation he will have to pay ½ of all medical expenses including copays going forward. I didn’t know they would include all that. As for his monthly payment to me. If you do not factor in back child support and his portion to contribute to her health insurance he will be paying $169 a month. I know that doesn’t seem like much to some people but I’m just grateful to be getting something from him. Of course this won’t take effect until March of 2012 but at least all the paper work has been done. Everyone freaked when I told them how low it was but you have to consider his means of living. He already has two other children in which he will be paying child support for so the $169 is going to really hurt him. I honestly don’t know how he’ll be able to survive on his own financially with all this debt owed. Then if the 3rd woman in Florida decides to hit him up for child support for their son he will really be screwed. I truly do feel bad for him b/c with all his legal issues and child support he has been set up to fail. I don’t think it’s fair but at the same time it’s not fair to any of the other women either. I do think a man should be held as accountable as a woman. While he will have to struggle to make these payments I will be struggling right along with him. IF I ever receive any money from him it won’t even cover a week’s worth of child care. I don’t think that’s something men think about when they claim we’re all money hungry when asking for child support. Lamonte however has not complained. He’s actually made this process very easy on me which I’m also grateful for. For now he’s been set up with supervised visits but if he meets all his requirements he eventually will be able to take Makenna outside of our home for a few hours, then a day, then overnight, etc. It will all be a slow process but I have a good feeling about not having any issues where that is concerned. I think the only negative thing I can say about today was that I didn’t appreciate having to talk about our past relationship and issues. It was really hard but according to both the attorney and judge it was necessary when establishing visitation. There was a lot they wanted me to say that I kept in because I just felt like it was digging him a deeper grave. I don’t want to hurt him like that. Luckily for me the fact that he was incarcerated was enough of a reason to establish the supervision during visits. So glad this is finally over!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day!
Oh the joys of Valentine’s Day…lol. It’s been a very interesting day. I found amusement listening to all the comments of the day from friends and family. Some were boasting about all the amazing gifts they received from their significant others. Some still seemed unsure as to if their “Valentine” would live up to the ridiculous expectations that had been set for them. I had the occasional Anti-Valentine’s Day comment thrown out. “It’s a made up holiday by Hallmark!” “Why would you only celebrate once a year the love you have for one another?” Then the questions began for myself. “Do you have a Valentine this year?” “What are your plans for the evening?” When I responded with the fact that I will be alone this Valentine’s immediately EVERYONE had advice for me. They either reminded me how lucky I am to have Makenna and reassured me that she will always be my Valentine, OR they told me a horror story about an ex boyfriend ending with, “See you’re lucky that you’re single…”. All I could do was smile.
See for the first time in years I’m actually content with being “alone on Valentine’s Day”. Yes, this was a CHOICE. As women I feel that we work ourselves up over the dreaded February 14th. No I’m not one of those Anti-VDay people. I actually love this time of year. Single or not it’s the celebration of love and who can go wrong with that? It’s in our nature to fall in love with the idea of being in love. It begins as young girls with that first kindergarten crush and I don’t think we ever truly grow out of it. So if we choose to embrace this fully once a year where is the harm in that?
With that being said I’ve always had someone in my life. Whether it be a boyfriend, friend with benefits, or that random person you can call up whenever you’re feeling a little lonely. I literally have NEVER been completely alone. One of my closest friends called me up last night asking what my plans were for today and with a short pause I responded with, “Absolutely nothing.” She laughed and asked again, “No really…who is the lucky guy?”. She seemed astonished when I told her that I, for once in my life, did not have any romantic interests at the moment. Again, like all the others today, she began to list all the reasons it was okay that I was alone this year. Why is being alone today not accepted? I’ve dated dozens of men in my 27 years. I’ve had heartaches and broken a few hearts. I’ve had flings, rebounds, and committed relationships. I’ve been cheated on and sadly to say I’ve also been the cheater. I even contemplated marriage at one point. Hell….I’m EXHAUSTED! For once I’d like some ME time. A nice bottle of wine accompanied by a sappy romantic comedy will do just the trick tonight. So ladies if you’re single please do the same. Just because there isn’t a special someone in your life doesn’t mean you can’t show a little love to yourself today. Don’t try and bring others who are happy down with you. Embrace this wonderful holiday created by Hallmark!
See for the first time in years I’m actually content with being “alone on Valentine’s Day”. Yes, this was a CHOICE. As women I feel that we work ourselves up over the dreaded February 14th. No I’m not one of those Anti-VDay people. I actually love this time of year. Single or not it’s the celebration of love and who can go wrong with that? It’s in our nature to fall in love with the idea of being in love. It begins as young girls with that first kindergarten crush and I don’t think we ever truly grow out of it. So if we choose to embrace this fully once a year where is the harm in that?
With that being said I’ve always had someone in my life. Whether it be a boyfriend, friend with benefits, or that random person you can call up whenever you’re feeling a little lonely. I literally have NEVER been completely alone. One of my closest friends called me up last night asking what my plans were for today and with a short pause I responded with, “Absolutely nothing.” She laughed and asked again, “No really…who is the lucky guy?”. She seemed astonished when I told her that I, for once in my life, did not have any romantic interests at the moment. Again, like all the others today, she began to list all the reasons it was okay that I was alone this year. Why is being alone today not accepted? I’ve dated dozens of men in my 27 years. I’ve had heartaches and broken a few hearts. I’ve had flings, rebounds, and committed relationships. I’ve been cheated on and sadly to say I’ve also been the cheater. I even contemplated marriage at one point. Hell….I’m EXHAUSTED! For once I’d like some ME time. A nice bottle of wine accompanied by a sappy romantic comedy will do just the trick tonight. So ladies if you’re single please do the same. Just because there isn’t a special someone in your life doesn’t mean you can’t show a little love to yourself today. Don’t try and bring others who are happy down with you. Embrace this wonderful holiday created by Hallmark!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
