Let's try this again....much better!

Makenna turned 9 weeks yesterday. I can’t believe how quickly time is going by and now with her in daycare I feel like I never see her. I now know why mothers decide to stay home instead of going back to work. Her personality comes out more and more each day and I just love it. That awkward uneasy feeling of being a new mom has begun wearing off and I’m finally starting to feel more comfortable. If only it would have been like this in the beginning. Everyone has always said you learn as you go but I’m a planner. I wanted to know how to do everything before she came and when that didn’t happen I felt myself pulling back. My mother ended up taking on more of the role than me and I became extremely depressed that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. It didn’t help that she would tell everyone she knew how bad I was at being a mother and how she raises Makenna. Was I really that bad? I asked myself that daily til I finally realized….yes, I was that bad. While I thought I was doing a lot when I sat back I realized my mother was doing more of the interacting with her. I just did what was needed for her to survive ( feed her, change her, etc). I wasn’t actually just sitting and enjoying her company. When she was happy all I wanted to do was get away and breathe.

POSTPARTUM!!! That’s what everyone including my doctor seemed to think I was going through. I denied, denied, and denied it but looking back…that’s exactly what was going on. In fact, to this day I feel like it still is there. Ready to creep back into my life the moment I let myself lose control again. What fixed it? Realizing that it’s okay to give myself time to breathe…in moderation. I now try and go out at least once a week for “adult time”. Whether that be a drink with the girls, dinner with my sister, movies, or just going to my close friend’s house to watch tv. A few hours a week is all I need and immediately my mood has improved. Certain so called “friends” have tried criticizing me about going out but I just let it go now. I don’t stress each day about being a good mom. I know that it’s not something I needed to train for. It’s okay that I’m learning as I’m go. And as long as I give Makenna all the love she could ever ask for that’s all that matters. Even with me going back to work, it’s the quality of time we’re spending together when I see her that makes me able to handle it. Sure…any mother would love to stay home and watch every move her child makes. However my situation is not typical and I’ve learned to accept it. I have to work. I also have to be both parents to her since her father is not around. And it’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay. Now that I’ve realized that things are much easier.

Over the weekend....

I went to the Common concert the other night which was as always….amazing. l don’t think I will ever get enough of him. As I repeated every word to “Faithful” and “ I Used To Love H.E.R.” I found myself filling my head with thoughts of Lamonte. I know most are probably saying, “WTF?” right now but I couldn’t help myself. See, last year when Common came to town Lamonte was who I went with. I sat and reminisced for a bit wondering what it would have been like if things hadn’t happened the way they did. Regret is not something I normally allow myself to do but at that moment it was floating around me. As my eyes began to water, I felt a tap on my shoulder from my sister. She was pointing out that Common had started his Ode to Hip Hop. A familiar beat began to play… “It was all a dream…” Back to reality! Thank goodness for Biggie. I knew better than to take a trip down memory lane and I’m so thankful I was interrupted. Unfortunately this wasn’t the last time I would need a reality check over the course of the weekend.

After the concert, Brittany and I went to dinner and ironically ran into Lamonte’s old friends. Typical. To make sure and keep him completely out of my head for the remainder of the night I decided to stop by my friend’s house on the way home. It definitely worked. Maybe a little too much. After an hour or so of being there I found myself in a familiar situation. One that happens way too often. We always flirt and test the fine line between friends/lovers however lately I’ve noticed myself wanting a little more of a lover than a friend. Yes, this would be who my Valentine’s Day blog was about. Knowing he would never want a relationship with me I have been telling myself never to let it go too far. Playful kissing and spooning was as much as I could allow without getting myself hurt. WRONG! I left that night having even stronger feelings for him and knew I should probably back off. “I’ll start next week!” I told myself. =)

I was woken up Sunday morning by my normal Twitter updates. Only this time, they were slightly disappointing. Turns out he had some company the night before and let’s just say he “sealed the deal”. This wasn’t out of his character so why did I now have a knot in my stomach? I mean, I’ve known him for years and he’s always lived that playboy type of lifestyle. I may have not been thrilled a time or two but never had I felt this amount of jealously and betrayal. It was as if he had cheated on me. WTF was my problem? Why were there tears in my eyes? We’ve been playing this game forever and I knew my role. After texting him with a few smart ass comments about what happened I finally became more rational and explained how it made me feel. I know it wasn’t his fault. He is single and has every right to live that way but it just hurt because I thought there was more to us than what went down. At this point, I was very glad I never followed through with my last blog. That would have turned into a disaster. He told me he would try and be more considerate of my feelings and not post things like that for me to see but that shouldn’t be his job. I’m 26 years old and should be able to handle the situation, right?

My way of dealing meant going out and having drinks with another guy that night. A pattern I thought I would have changed by now. It was nice having a drink or two. Okay who am I kidding…more like three or four. Haha However, once I started feeling a slight bit tipsy my “date” decided to confess his feelings for me for the 3rd time this year. Only this time I did not give him the “Just don’t see you that way” speech. He’s an extremely nice guy, my family loves him, and he’s been there to take me out during my entire pregnancy and after in order to keep me sane. All without ever wanting anything more than I was willing to give. The fact that he seems to be absolutely crazy about me was just an added bonus. So this time I should have said I was interested right? Of course, however my response was “I’m just not ready to be in a relationship since having Makenna.” What the hell is my problem now? After dealing with what I did that morning you’d think I’d want to jump on a chance at dating one of the good guys. NOPE! I had ZERO desire. Any normal female in my situation would want to try out something with a person who she could actually be happy with someday. Not someone who she would never trust and would more than likely break her heart once again. Not me though. I apparently enjoy living in misery and dealing with heartbreak on a daily basis. Haha. Okay, on a serious note though, what is wrong with me? After all I’ve been through why would I still allow myself to turn someone like him down and keep waiting on another who more than likely will never steer down my path? I guess we never truly change.