Let's try this again....much better!

Makenna turned 9 weeks yesterday. I can’t believe how quickly time is going by and now with her in daycare I feel like I never see her. I now know why mothers decide to stay home instead of going back to work. Her personality comes out more and more each day and I just love it. That awkward uneasy feeling of being a new mom has begun wearing off and I’m finally starting to feel more comfortable. If only it would have been like this in the beginning. Everyone has always said you learn as you go but I’m a planner. I wanted to know how to do everything before she came and when that didn’t happen I felt myself pulling back. My mother ended up taking on more of the role than me and I became extremely depressed that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. It didn’t help that she would tell everyone she knew how bad I was at being a mother and how she raises Makenna. Was I really that bad? I asked myself that daily til I finally realized….yes, I was that bad. While I thought I was doing a lot when I sat back I realized my mother was doing more of the interacting with her. I just did what was needed for her to survive ( feed her, change her, etc). I wasn’t actually just sitting and enjoying her company. When she was happy all I wanted to do was get away and breathe.

POSTPARTUM!!! That’s what everyone including my doctor seemed to think I was going through. I denied, denied, and denied it but looking back…that’s exactly what was going on. In fact, to this day I feel like it still is there. Ready to creep back into my life the moment I let myself lose control again. What fixed it? Realizing that it’s okay to give myself time to breathe…in moderation. I now try and go out at least once a week for “adult time”. Whether that be a drink with the girls, dinner with my sister, movies, or just going to my close friend’s house to watch tv. A few hours a week is all I need and immediately my mood has improved. Certain so called “friends” have tried criticizing me about going out but I just let it go now. I don’t stress each day about being a good mom. I know that it’s not something I needed to train for. It’s okay that I’m learning as I’m go. And as long as I give Makenna all the love she could ever ask for that’s all that matters. Even with me going back to work, it’s the quality of time we’re spending together when I see her that makes me able to handle it. Sure…any mother would love to stay home and watch every move her child makes. However my situation is not typical and I’ve learned to accept it. I have to work. I also have to be both parents to her since her father is not around. And it’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay. Now that I’ve realized that things are much easier.