Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Soulful Relationship
Soulful Relationship
By Reverend Ronald McFadden
If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye.'
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults is not really important.
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life', you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
Q. What keeps a relationship strong?
Answer: Communication, intimacy ( not sex ), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email.
Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless. Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the passion. "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.' The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight?
You should always try to be a little more kind to each other than necessary. The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the 'I'. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
By Reverend Ronald McFadden
If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye.'
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults is not really important.
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life', you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
Q. What keeps a relationship strong?
Answer: Communication, intimacy ( not sex ), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email.
Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless. Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the passion. "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.' The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight?
You should always try to be a little more kind to each other than necessary. The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the 'I'. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Makenna finally met her big brother!!!
Monday, December 6, 2010
*Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures: More Thoughts about the new PointsPlus Program
So as some may know I'm on WeightWatchers and recently they changed to the Points Plus plan. I really like it and I'm glad they're actually considering what you put in your body rather than how many calories everything is. This is from a blog that I enjoying reading.... https://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/. Figured I'd pass this along for any of you fellow WW members. I find her topics very refreshing compared to the usual boring weightloss blogs out there. *Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures: More Thoughts about the new PointsPlus Program: "I've been on the new PointsPlus program for 4 days now, and I read the Getting Started booklet. Naturally, I have more to share. Let me sta..."
Anthony Hamilton
I know this is random but I absolutely need Mr Hamilton to finish up his next album. The Point Of It All was one of his bests but I'm ready for something new. Crossing my fingers its done sometime soon. Til then...here is something for ya'll.
Running into the PAST
LOL...okay so now that I'm posting this I feel a little immature but at the time it was totally worth it.
I went to do some quick shopping the other day with my mom and as soon as we walked into Nordstroms who did I see? The CREATURE. Yes, I would be talking about one of the many women Lamonte cheated on me with. So I should have taken the high road and walked right past her without saying a word right? WRONG! I made sure to wait until she was right beside me, pointed and said, "Look, thats the nasty ass girl Lauren who Lamonte was with." Of course she continued walking like she didn't see me. She never has been able to say anything to my face so I'm not surprised. It may have not been the mature thing to do but it felt so good. I will admit part of me wished Makenna would have been there so she could have seen what a beautiful daughter Lamonte and I have. lol Okay okay I know what you're thinking....I shouldn't be mad at her. He's the one who cheated. However, she is a different case. She knew about me, knew he was sleeping with 3 other women at work along with her, stalked both of us to the point of us having to change our numbers and then continued to make our lives hell even after we broke up. She even tried to get him fired from work just because he wouldn't see her anymore. She is not the normal woman so I don't treat her like a normal woman. Regardless I do feel a little silly now that I'm writing about it but hey....I guess the past can bring out the worst in us all sometimes. At the end of the day, yes I do feel better. =)
I went to do some quick shopping the other day with my mom and as soon as we walked into Nordstroms who did I see? The CREATURE. Yes, I would be talking about one of the many women Lamonte cheated on me with. So I should have taken the high road and walked right past her without saying a word right? WRONG! I made sure to wait until she was right beside me, pointed and said, "Look, thats the nasty ass girl Lauren who Lamonte was with." Of course she continued walking like she didn't see me. She never has been able to say anything to my face so I'm not surprised. It may have not been the mature thing to do but it felt so good. I will admit part of me wished Makenna would have been there so she could have seen what a beautiful daughter Lamonte and I have. lol Okay okay I know what you're thinking....I shouldn't be mad at her. He's the one who cheated. However, she is a different case. She knew about me, knew he was sleeping with 3 other women at work along with her, stalked both of us to the point of us having to change our numbers and then continued to make our lives hell even after we broke up. She even tried to get him fired from work just because he wouldn't see her anymore. She is not the normal woman so I don't treat her like a normal woman. Regardless I do feel a little silly now that I'm writing about it but hey....I guess the past can bring out the worst in us all sometimes. At the end of the day, yes I do feel better. =)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Not a good day....
Just had to have a conversation with someone that I did not want to have. I really liked him too. Ugh! This really sucks. I can’t help but feel like a horrible person right now.
Monday, November 22, 2010
First Steps!
Yay! Makenna finally took her first steps last night. Unfortunately I had just left to buy diapers so I missed it. =) DARN! I can’t believe my little girl is already trying to walk. She took 3 whole steps before falling on her bottom. I have a feeling she will be walking all over the place by Christmas. What am I going to do? Lol
Just finished up another letter to Lamonte letting him know what went on at court and the new updates for Makenna. We finally got the paternity test taken this past week so now I just have to wait for the results. Hopefully this will put aside any doubts he may still have although he swears he doesn’t have any. He’s at a closer location now so I may consider taking Makenna to visit. Still not sure if I’m ready for that but the idea has been floating around.
As for everything else, life is pretty calm. Trying to get things ready around the house for Thanksgiving and started Christmas shopping for Makenna. That little girl is too spoiled. Over the next few weeks I have to start planning her 1st birthday party too. I’m hoping to have Lamonte’s other two children there for the party so I need to set a date soon. His daughter’s in Florida so I’m hoping she is able to find a cheap flight and come out. We’ve been talking about all getting together for awhile so this would be a really good time for it.
Time to get back to work.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Women Today
“Down through history men have always been measured by how hard they work and cultivated how well the protected their wife and children. In the old days women saw their men as conquerors, providers, heroes. But somewhere along the line that changed, women started to become their own hero, maybe it was because their man forgot to be relic or because women don't want to be protected anymore or maybe women had to be their own hero because of the pain they had to endure in life. But whatever the cause, the world took away a man's reason for being a man. It told him he wasn't important anymore and when that happened, it turned the whole world upside down.” D Johnson
I must say I completely agree with this. Ladies, I think we’ve lost our way some what when it comes to proving that we’re strong and independent. You have your own house, own car, 2 degrees, and a nice six figure salary yet you still haven’t found love? In your mind you’re blaming it on the men. “They can’t handle a strong woman like myself.” “They want a weak woman to control so they can cover up their own insecurities within themselves.” I’m not saying this doesn’t happen but I don’t think it’s always the case. Yes you should be proud of all that you’ve accomplished and I don’t think you should ever be completely submissive to a man but sometimes you have to tone it down a bit. Let him know that you still do need and want his help with things around the house. Don’t let him see you without your make-up on and rollers in your hair everyday. Surprise him by actually having dinner waiting for him when he returns home from work regardless of the type of day you’ve had. Try and get away at least once a week for alone time. Whether that be a walk in the park or dinner and a movie. Surprise him with something sexy when the kids are away. I know you’re probably saying, “She’s crazy if she thinks I’m gonna make him dinner after I’ve been at work all day too.” It all goes back to the roles we play though. Just like we take care of home so do they. Men this means you need to step it up as well and provide for your family. Don’t put financial burdens completely on your wife and expect her to do the things listed above as well. You’re a team and you need to be doing your part too. If the bills aren’t getting paid you need to get out and get another job or two, whatever it takes to make sure your family is provided for. I get tired of watching some of my friends work 2-3 jobs while their husbands get to sit at home all day. Then when they get home their still stuck cooking dinner, taking care of their kids/husbands all while their men get to sit at home and do nothing. That is not the strong independent woman I want to be. I made this mistake in the past and it got me no where. I want to be financially secure on my own before entering my next relationship but I don’t want that to be the reason someone chooses me. I want him to know I’m a good mother, I’ve mastered all the daily tasks of a 50’s housewife however I do have a mind of my own. I can stand my own in a room full of his colleagues, hang with the boys for football Sunday, keep it classy when we’re out on the town, and definitely fulfill all of his needs in the bedroom. Am I this woman yet? Not completely and that is why I’ve chosen to take myself out of the dating scene.
Instead of blaming men for not being able to handle someone like me I want to fix where I’ve failed in the past. I don’t want to settle for a weak man because I don’t want to step up my game and be the type of woman I know I can be. I want to be every bit of a PHENOMENAL woman. There is a reason that today’s divorce rate is up to 50% and rising. We need to stop being so concerned with our own independence and start trying to keep a happy home.
I must say I completely agree with this. Ladies, I think we’ve lost our way some what when it comes to proving that we’re strong and independent. You have your own house, own car, 2 degrees, and a nice six figure salary yet you still haven’t found love? In your mind you’re blaming it on the men. “They can’t handle a strong woman like myself.” “They want a weak woman to control so they can cover up their own insecurities within themselves.” I’m not saying this doesn’t happen but I don’t think it’s always the case. Yes you should be proud of all that you’ve accomplished and I don’t think you should ever be completely submissive to a man but sometimes you have to tone it down a bit. Let him know that you still do need and want his help with things around the house. Don’t let him see you without your make-up on and rollers in your hair everyday. Surprise him by actually having dinner waiting for him when he returns home from work regardless of the type of day you’ve had. Try and get away at least once a week for alone time. Whether that be a walk in the park or dinner and a movie. Surprise him with something sexy when the kids are away. I know you’re probably saying, “She’s crazy if she thinks I’m gonna make him dinner after I’ve been at work all day too.” It all goes back to the roles we play though. Just like we take care of home so do they. Men this means you need to step it up as well and provide for your family. Don’t put financial burdens completely on your wife and expect her to do the things listed above as well. You’re a team and you need to be doing your part too. If the bills aren’t getting paid you need to get out and get another job or two, whatever it takes to make sure your family is provided for. I get tired of watching some of my friends work 2-3 jobs while their husbands get to sit at home all day. Then when they get home their still stuck cooking dinner, taking care of their kids/husbands all while their men get to sit at home and do nothing. That is not the strong independent woman I want to be. I made this mistake in the past and it got me no where. I want to be financially secure on my own before entering my next relationship but I don’t want that to be the reason someone chooses me. I want him to know I’m a good mother, I’ve mastered all the daily tasks of a 50’s housewife however I do have a mind of my own. I can stand my own in a room full of his colleagues, hang with the boys for football Sunday, keep it classy when we’re out on the town, and definitely fulfill all of his needs in the bedroom. Am I this woman yet? Not completely and that is why I’ve chosen to take myself out of the dating scene.
Instead of blaming men for not being able to handle someone like me I want to fix where I’ve failed in the past. I don’t want to settle for a weak man because I don’t want to step up my game and be the type of woman I know I can be. I want to be every bit of a PHENOMENAL woman. There is a reason that today’s divorce rate is up to 50% and rising. We need to stop being so concerned with our own independence and start trying to keep a happy home.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
LIFE IS GOOD
I really need to start blogging daily. I keep saying I’m going to and never get a chance. These days Makenna has me running around like crazy. She’s all over the place and its only a matter of time before she’s walking. I’ll definitely be getting my exercise then. Haha.
So let’s see, Halloween was FANTASTIC! Makenna was a Bumble Bee and went to two different costume parties over the weekend. She also went trick or treating and LOVED it! I don’t know how many people we were stopped by that told us she was the prettiest baby they’d ever seen. We got that a lot but lately it’s been more than I’m use to. Everyone keeps asking me why I don’t just get her into modeling but I’m still unsure. I know she’d love it right now bc she loves the camera and posing for pictures. Still, I’m a firm believer in letting a kid just be a kid. I plan on doing some more research on infant modeling and hope to have my mind made up by Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, the list has already begun. I’m not sure how I’ll afford everything but I’m determined to make this the best Christmas yet since it’s my little angel’s first one. =) The only problem is that her birthday falls right after Christmas so I have no clue how I’ll pull this off financially. Time to push my Mary Kay products. That shouldn’t be so hard being that everyone seems to be going crazy over the new product line. Crossing my fingers the sales continue.
Well there isn’t much else to say. Life is just really good right now. Financially I struggle but everything else has started to fall into place. I have weeded out the bad seeds and finally have the right people in my life. Motherhood is GREAT! I can’t get enough of Makenna. She’s just adorable. I’m so lucky to have such a perfect little girl. Work is picking up but still isn’t paying the bills however I’m working on MK and that has been a big help. Love life is interesting to say the least. I have a few options and its nice not being tied down at the moment. It’s giving me time to really figure out what I truly want. I feel like I was rushed into my relationship with Lamonte. I didn’t have time to think and make sure I really wanted to be with him before he asked me to be exclusive. Dating is definitely more enjoyable these days. Still I worry I’ll make the wrong decision for Makenna. No one has met her yet because I do not feel you should have your children around men you’re dating so soon. Some of the men have agreed and respected me for that. Others thought I was being ridiculous. Those men are not in my life now. =) Ultimately my daughter comes before anyone else so I want to protect her as much as possible. I don’t agree with some of the choices single mothers make these days. It’s not okay for your kids to meet all the men you date right away. And it’s definitely not okay to move your boyfriend in after a few months of dating when you have children involved. Have a little more respect for your children ladies. Ugh! Anyways…sorry I had to vent about that topic bc it has come up a lot lately.
Well I’d love to keep going but its time to get back to work. Til next time…
So let’s see, Halloween was FANTASTIC! Makenna was a Bumble Bee and went to two different costume parties over the weekend. She also went trick or treating and LOVED it! I don’t know how many people we were stopped by that told us she was the prettiest baby they’d ever seen. We got that a lot but lately it’s been more than I’m use to. Everyone keeps asking me why I don’t just get her into modeling but I’m still unsure. I know she’d love it right now bc she loves the camera and posing for pictures. Still, I’m a firm believer in letting a kid just be a kid. I plan on doing some more research on infant modeling and hope to have my mind made up by Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, the list has already begun. I’m not sure how I’ll afford everything but I’m determined to make this the best Christmas yet since it’s my little angel’s first one. =) The only problem is that her birthday falls right after Christmas so I have no clue how I’ll pull this off financially. Time to push my Mary Kay products. That shouldn’t be so hard being that everyone seems to be going crazy over the new product line. Crossing my fingers the sales continue.
Well there isn’t much else to say. Life is just really good right now. Financially I struggle but everything else has started to fall into place. I have weeded out the bad seeds and finally have the right people in my life. Motherhood is GREAT! I can’t get enough of Makenna. She’s just adorable. I’m so lucky to have such a perfect little girl. Work is picking up but still isn’t paying the bills however I’m working on MK and that has been a big help. Love life is interesting to say the least. I have a few options and its nice not being tied down at the moment. It’s giving me time to really figure out what I truly want. I feel like I was rushed into my relationship with Lamonte. I didn’t have time to think and make sure I really wanted to be with him before he asked me to be exclusive. Dating is definitely more enjoyable these days. Still I worry I’ll make the wrong decision for Makenna. No one has met her yet because I do not feel you should have your children around men you’re dating so soon. Some of the men have agreed and respected me for that. Others thought I was being ridiculous. Those men are not in my life now. =) Ultimately my daughter comes before anyone else so I want to protect her as much as possible. I don’t agree with some of the choices single mothers make these days. It’s not okay for your kids to meet all the men you date right away. And it’s definitely not okay to move your boyfriend in after a few months of dating when you have children involved. Have a little more respect for your children ladies. Ugh! Anyways…sorry I had to vent about that topic bc it has come up a lot lately.
Well I’d love to keep going but its time to get back to work. Til next time…
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A 2nd chance...
Lamonte and I are finally on the same page when it comes to our daughter. It feels so good to be able to get along and talk like adults. Too bad it’s taken this long for us to get here. As I responded to his letter last night there was a smile on my face and a big sigh of relief. We spend more effort fighting and arguing over petty things than discussing what’s important – Makenna…. so to finally have a normal conversation was nice. He is really making an effort to be in her life. Right now with him being incarcerated it’s hard for him but he tries to write at least once a week. I’ve been saving all of his letters so that she’ll have them someday if she feels like reading them. So many people in my life are skeptical as to whether this will last once he gets out and to those I have to say this…
All I can do is allow him to try to have a relationship with her. I will pray for the best but always expect the worst. I have to keep my guard up based on his track record but that doesn’t mean I should be a total bitch to him 24/7. Our relationship problems should not affect the friendship we have today. Yes I said friendship. We’ve both agreed that the best thing for Makenna is for us to work on actually being friends. Why not? We were best friends at one point and we probably know each other better than anyone else. I am nervous that he will fall back into his same old patterns but I’ve expressed that to him and he knows that my guard will remain up. As long as he’s willing to accept that and keep trying to prove himself all I can do is try to go about things with an open mind and heart. Makenna is the most important thing in the world and if having her daddy around is what she needs I’m all for it. BUT….the moment he screws up….no more chances. So let’s cross our fingers that this works. He even mentioned possibly moving closer to see her more often. I was very shocked but if he did decide to move that would definitely show he was actually serious about being a big part of her life. His newest thing was coming up with a nickname for her. Mac n’ Cheese. I know I know….strange but then again this is Lamonte. He called me strawberry so apparently has a thing for food. Haha
All I can do is allow him to try to have a relationship with her. I will pray for the best but always expect the worst. I have to keep my guard up based on his track record but that doesn’t mean I should be a total bitch to him 24/7. Our relationship problems should not affect the friendship we have today. Yes I said friendship. We’ve both agreed that the best thing for Makenna is for us to work on actually being friends. Why not? We were best friends at one point and we probably know each other better than anyone else. I am nervous that he will fall back into his same old patterns but I’ve expressed that to him and he knows that my guard will remain up. As long as he’s willing to accept that and keep trying to prove himself all I can do is try to go about things with an open mind and heart. Makenna is the most important thing in the world and if having her daddy around is what she needs I’m all for it. BUT….the moment he screws up….no more chances. So let’s cross our fingers that this works. He even mentioned possibly moving closer to see her more often. I was very shocked but if he did decide to move that would definitely show he was actually serious about being a big part of her life. His newest thing was coming up with a nickname for her. Mac n’ Cheese. I know I know….strange but then again this is Lamonte. He called me strawberry so apparently has a thing for food. Haha
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Time to protect my blogs...
So it's become apparent that I have to keep things private now. I deleted my myspace, blocked certain people from Facebook and now I guess I'll have to put a password protector on my blog. So...if you're reading this now and you want to continue to have access please email me at tprice83@yahoo.com with your email address and I will make sure to send you the new password. I should be locking this within the week. I'm sick of a certain person using any information they can find online about me to help with their own insecurities. I'm too old to play games and feed in to the unnecessary drama so I'm stopping it all together. Basically if there is nothing to read you will hopefully go away and move on with your life. Or not, either way it won't affect me anymore.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Not so good birthday
My birthday week/weekend has come and gone. I’m not sad to see that it’s over with. This year wasn’t as exciting as I thought it was going to be. It started off with the night before my bday receiving an email from Lamonte’s wife. Shocker! She started off with an apology for the way things originally went down when she first contacted me. Then after reading more into her email I realized it was more about her own insecurities with Lamonte and his lying/cheating ways. She wanted to know if I still had feelings for him, how often we talked and if it was only regarding Makenna? Against my better judgment I gave her the answers she was looking for. Everyone around me that knows what’s going on said I should have just ignored the email and let her wonder. But that’s not me. I know what its like to be completely in the dark and so in love with someone that you want to believe every word that comes out of their mouth even though deep down you know it’s a lie. So I gave her the facts. I didn’t tell her whether she should stay with him or not. That is her decision to make for herself and for her kids. So much of me wanted to say, “You’re crazy. You have two children. Run, run far away because he will never change.” But that’s not my place. I told her if she wanted to know about Lamonte she should talk to his family not his EX. I mean after all, I could be filling her head with false information right? We all know that I wouldn’t do that but she doesn’t know anything about me other than what he has told her so I wouldn’t blame her for thinking so.
The next morning I received a call from my father which was another issue. I haven’t spoken to him since the drama that went down during my baby shower back in January. With all the drugs and him being in and out of jail I decided a long time ago I do not want him to be part of my life or Makenna’s. So when I picked up the phone to hear, “Hey baby, Happy Birthday!” I didn’t know how to respond. I was cold and kept it very short. He said “I love you” and I responded with “ Bye” all the while fighting back the tears. I hung up and felt horrible about the way I was treating him but I just didn’t want to go through the same thing all over again. Eventually I called back and history repeated itself…AGAIN. He gave me the long speech about how he’s changed, how much he loves me and how he’s no longer doing drugs. This would be the same speech he’s given me 4 times in 2 years.
I wish I could say my birthday got better but it was pretty much downhill from there which included being broke the entire time, getting into a fight with one of my best friends and ending a romantic relationship I was having with someone. Better luck next year I guess…
The next morning I received a call from my father which was another issue. I haven’t spoken to him since the drama that went down during my baby shower back in January. With all the drugs and him being in and out of jail I decided a long time ago I do not want him to be part of my life or Makenna’s. So when I picked up the phone to hear, “Hey baby, Happy Birthday!” I didn’t know how to respond. I was cold and kept it very short. He said “I love you” and I responded with “ Bye” all the while fighting back the tears. I hung up and felt horrible about the way I was treating him but I just didn’t want to go through the same thing all over again. Eventually I called back and history repeated itself…AGAIN. He gave me the long speech about how he’s changed, how much he loves me and how he’s no longer doing drugs. This would be the same speech he’s given me 4 times in 2 years.
I wish I could say my birthday got better but it was pretty much downhill from there which included being broke the entire time, getting into a fight with one of my best friends and ending a romantic relationship I was having with someone. Better luck next year I guess…
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Weight Watchers
Oh the joys of Weight Watchers….yes I’m back at it. It’s been a few years since I was on it and I think its time to get back on track. While sparkpeople.com is great, I’m willing to spend the extra money in order to have a faster way of tracking calories, exercise and weight loss. It’s amazing how much your eating habits change when you have children. I went from never eating when she was first born b/c she would never let me put her down to now constantly snacking on fast food before and after I get her settled because it’s the only thing I have time for. Neither of those patterns were very healthy for me. I’ve also stopped going to the gym and 10 lbs later I completely feel every inch that I’ve gained back. NOT GOOD! So tomorrow begins day 1 of being back on the program. I’ll be heading out tonight to pick up some Smart Ones and get my menus together so hopefully this will be an easy adjustment. 30 days to create a habit right? Well here’s to day 1. Goodnight!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
South Padre : Total FAILURE!!!
I’m back from South Padre and I couldn’t have been happier Monday evening sitting in Austin traffic. Home Sweet Home! I guess I went on this trip with too many expectations. It was a huge let down. Makenna, Kendall, myself, Brittany and Ray stayed at Gulfview Condominiums. The parentals and the rest of the gang stayed at GulfPointe Condominiums next door. I’m definitely glad we stayed where we did. It was a perfect location on the beach and we were probably the only condos down there that weren’t infested with mosquitoes. They weren’t the fanciest rooms but hey for $125 a night in the middle of July, not bad. As far as the weather goes it was absolutely beautiful. Speaking of beautiful things, the water was AMAZING. I’m usually not big on swimming in the gulf. Let’s face it…Texas does not have the cleanest beaches out there but this trip that is where I spent most of my time. The water was nice and cool, no seaweed, and definitely no jellyfish. Thank goodness. I’ve honestly never seen it that clean before. Miss Makenna also spent the majority of the time in the water. I definitely have a little mermaid on my hands. She wanted to stay in the ocean the entire time. I’ve never seen a baby that excited about being in the middle of the ocean with waves hitting her ever two seconds. Most of the time that freaks them out but not Makenna. She would just laugh and look at me like, “Let’s do it again mom.” Lol
So why was it a failure you ask? There was a killer stomach bug that went from person to person while on the trip. It didn’t help that we also ate at the most disgusting restaurant down there. Never again will I trust my aunt and uncle’s advice on food. Everything tasted like dirt. If you ever go down there do not step foot in the White Sands Restaurant. Then my sister and her boyfriend fought the entire time which put everyone in a bad mood. Kendall and I got into a huge fight only to realize we had nothing to argue about and that we were just feeding off their negative energy. Makenna was sick as well which meant lots of dirty diapers, sheets, clothes etc. YUCK! Then I finally realized this trip how your life really is over once you have kids. While Ray, Kendall, and Britt went out to check out the bars I was stuck at home with Makenna. In fact, every night by 8PM that is where I was. I’m not upset b/c I know that’s my job now and I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in the world but it definitely was a reality check for me. Ending the trip with a horrible sunburn which turned me into a lobster and only taking one picture of Makenna the entire trip b/c I forgot my camera was the icing on the cake.
Once we got back to Austin Kendall said he wanted to take me back for a weekend with just the two of us since I had such a bad time. Um….round two? I’ll think about it.
So why was it a failure you ask? There was a killer stomach bug that went from person to person while on the trip. It didn’t help that we also ate at the most disgusting restaurant down there. Never again will I trust my aunt and uncle’s advice on food. Everything tasted like dirt. If you ever go down there do not step foot in the White Sands Restaurant. Then my sister and her boyfriend fought the entire time which put everyone in a bad mood. Kendall and I got into a huge fight only to realize we had nothing to argue about and that we were just feeding off their negative energy. Makenna was sick as well which meant lots of dirty diapers, sheets, clothes etc. YUCK! Then I finally realized this trip how your life really is over once you have kids. While Ray, Kendall, and Britt went out to check out the bars I was stuck at home with Makenna. In fact, every night by 8PM that is where I was. I’m not upset b/c I know that’s my job now and I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in the world but it definitely was a reality check for me. Ending the trip with a horrible sunburn which turned me into a lobster and only taking one picture of Makenna the entire trip b/c I forgot my camera was the icing on the cake.
Once we got back to Austin Kendall said he wanted to take me back for a weekend with just the two of us since I had such a bad time. Um….round two? I’ll think about it.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Can you really make yourself stop loving someone?
Can you really make yourself stop loving someone? I don’t think you can. Kendall and I were talking on the way back from South Padre about relationships. He said he’s never understood why he tries fighting how he feels for someone. That no matter what there is just that chemistry that is going to keep bringing him back to “her” every time. And basically he feels like that means he should just be with her. Even if he knows she’s not good for him. I began to argue (like I always do) but then I sat and thought to myself, “Maybe he’s right.” After all, I am the same person who has been in love with one of her closest friends for 8 years now. I always thought I’ve had a sense of control over the situation. Sure I’d lose my way every now and then and fall back into those feelings but overall when it was time to shut them off I was capable. Most recently that’s meant not physically being around him and limiting the phone calls and texts but its worked right? Not exactly. I still find myself getting butterflies every time I get that text or his special ring tone goes off because he’s calling to say hello. I still get jealous when I see a Twitter post about another woman from him or upset when I know he’s having company over. No matter how hard I try to tell myself I don’t care I do. There’s just a crazy intense connection there and I think he’d even be lying if he didn’t agree.
But that doesn’t mean we’re meant for each other and I should feel like I’m losing out because we’re not together. I know deep down that he’s not the person I should be with at the end of the day. Yes I love him and yes I’m EXTREMELY attracted to him but when it comes to real life we’re headed in two totally different directions. No matter how much I try to tell my heart to stop caring it won’t. I will always love him and he will always be that one guy who has a hold on me. So in that respect I agree with Kendall on you not being able to fall out of love with someone. BUT….where I disagree is that you should just settle for that person because you can’t get them off your mind. Keeping someone toxic around you will only bring you misery. And that’s exactly what he is to me. TOXIC. Call him a womanizer, player, smooth, pimp….whatever he goes by that’s not what I need. I know that and for that reason I will continue to “pretend” I’m not in love with him.
But that doesn’t mean we’re meant for each other and I should feel like I’m losing out because we’re not together. I know deep down that he’s not the person I should be with at the end of the day. Yes I love him and yes I’m EXTREMELY attracted to him but when it comes to real life we’re headed in two totally different directions. No matter how much I try to tell my heart to stop caring it won’t. I will always love him and he will always be that one guy who has a hold on me. So in that respect I agree with Kendall on you not being able to fall out of love with someone. BUT….where I disagree is that you should just settle for that person because you can’t get them off your mind. Keeping someone toxic around you will only bring you misery. And that’s exactly what he is to me. TOXIC. Call him a womanizer, player, smooth, pimp….whatever he goes by that’s not what I need. I know that and for that reason I will continue to “pretend” I’m not in love with him.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
July 1st!
July 1st – Today I make a change for the better!
I woke up this morning feeling BLAH about myself for the 5th day in a row. I have not been eating well, stopped going to the gym, and overall just haven’t been doing the things I need to be doing. Stepped on the scale and what do you know….I’ve gained 10lbs. WTF??? I can’t believe I let it get this bad that I’m gaining wait again. Not good. So rather than doing the norm of saying I’ll start back on a diet Monday, I’m starting TODAY! I have to fix this. I’ve been so stressed with work, finances, etc that I just haven’t been taking care of myself. So its back to Sparkpeople.com, going to the gym, less tv time and being more productive. Wish me luck!
I woke up this morning feeling BLAH about myself for the 5th day in a row. I have not been eating well, stopped going to the gym, and overall just haven’t been doing the things I need to be doing. Stepped on the scale and what do you know….I’ve gained 10lbs. WTF??? I can’t believe I let it get this bad that I’m gaining wait again. Not good. So rather than doing the norm of saying I’ll start back on a diet Monday, I’m starting TODAY! I have to fix this. I’ve been so stressed with work, finances, etc that I just haven’t been taking care of myself. So its back to Sparkpeople.com, going to the gym, less tv time and being more productive. Wish me luck!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Mondays....
It’s 1:30 AM and suddenly I’m woken up from glass shattering screams. Makenna is up and very hungry apparently. I knew me letting her fall asleep at 7pm would catch up to me and it definitely did. I wish I would have gone to bed early. Staying up til midnight to catch up on DVR’d shows now seems incredibly stupid. I quickly jump out of bed and pick her up to calm her down. After being changed and warming up her bottle its finally time to be fed. She guzzled down the milk very quickly which I hoped meant we would not be up for much longer. Once finished I began to try and rock her to sleep. Slowly she closed her eyes and just as I hoped, she was asleep. I started to walk up the stairs and due to my shadow being seen by one of the dogs a loud bark came out. “Maybe she didn’t hear it.” I thought to myself. Then…”Whhhhaaaaa…” came belting out. Yup she’s awake. I sat back down and attempted to rock her back to sleep but by now she was wide awake. By 4AM I had finally succeed at getting her to sleep. I was so exhausted. Still as I laid Makenna down in her crib I couldn’t help but just stare at her while she slept. She seemed so peaceful. Like a perfect little angel.
7AM my alarm clock goes off. “No!” I want to sleep longer. As I go to hit the snooze button, “Whhhhaaaa!”. Too late. She’s already up. I managed to get ready pretty fast, fed her and had everything ready to go in time for work. I decided to set her down in her bouncer so I could run outside and get the car started. After all, with this Texas weather she’s already sweating by the time I get her carseat in. I walk back upstairs pick her up and head for the carseat so I can get her buckled in. Pause….”What’s that smell?” I look down and what do I find? She has EXPLODED in her diaper. It’s all over her and all over me. “No Makenna.” She giggles. I head straight for the bedroom so we can get her changed and cleaned up. That was a challenge in itself. It was everywhere. I struggled to figure out how to get her outfit off without getting any in her hair. Once I put on her new diaper and thought I was in the clear she kicked as hard as she could and her foot landed right in the dirty diaper. YUCK! I quickly grabbed the diaper and pushed it further away but by mistake dropped it onto the carpet. Great! One more thing to clean up. 20 minutes later after we were both changed and ready I began to walk back down the stairs to leave. A loud belch comes out suddenly. I look down and she’s just thrown up all down my shoulder and back. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” I ask her. She looks up with the biggest grin and laughs. Time to change again!
45 Minutes after I first thought I was ready to leave I finally am able to walk out the door. She’s strapped in, I begin to back out of the driveway and I remember I didn’t put any perfume on. That’s okay, I have a body spray I keep in my purse. I pull it out to spray myself and it shoots out into my eye. Lovely………
7AM my alarm clock goes off. “No!” I want to sleep longer. As I go to hit the snooze button, “Whhhhaaaa!”. Too late. She’s already up. I managed to get ready pretty fast, fed her and had everything ready to go in time for work. I decided to set her down in her bouncer so I could run outside and get the car started. After all, with this Texas weather she’s already sweating by the time I get her carseat in. I walk back upstairs pick her up and head for the carseat so I can get her buckled in. Pause….”What’s that smell?” I look down and what do I find? She has EXPLODED in her diaper. It’s all over her and all over me. “No Makenna.” She giggles. I head straight for the bedroom so we can get her changed and cleaned up. That was a challenge in itself. It was everywhere. I struggled to figure out how to get her outfit off without getting any in her hair. Once I put on her new diaper and thought I was in the clear she kicked as hard as she could and her foot landed right in the dirty diaper. YUCK! I quickly grabbed the diaper and pushed it further away but by mistake dropped it onto the carpet. Great! One more thing to clean up. 20 minutes later after we were both changed and ready I began to walk back down the stairs to leave. A loud belch comes out suddenly. I look down and she’s just thrown up all down my shoulder and back. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” I ask her. She looks up with the biggest grin and laughs. Time to change again!
45 Minutes after I first thought I was ready to leave I finally am able to walk out the door. She’s strapped in, I begin to back out of the driveway and I remember I didn’t put any perfume on. That’s okay, I have a body spray I keep in my purse. I pull it out to spray myself and it shoots out into my eye. Lovely………
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Longest Personal Ad ever......hahaha
See my personal ad below. It's extremely long but hey...I figure if you have taken the time to read it and you're still interested then you're my type of guy. I'm hoping this will save me from all the random "hey" emails I've been getting.
I'm still slightly skeptical about joining a dating site but with the
little free time I do have I find myself wanting to get out for a movie,
dinner, drinks, etc. more and more these days. So why not join the
dating scene right? I'm not sure a relationship is what I am ready for
but I definitely would like to meet some nice men to go on dates with
from time to time. Even just chatting via email would be appreciated at
this point. I know the whole idea of a profile is to try and sell
yourself to prospective suitors but one thing you will learn about me is
that I don't sugar coat things. I'm very direct and with that being
said I feel like the first things to start with are the possible issues
that may make you NOT interested in me. I just feel it's easier to get
that out of the way first. If you're still interested then great,
contact me. If not, neither one of us will have to waste our time.
So let's see...
1) I'm a single mother of a 4 month old little girl. She is the only
good thing that has come out of a very bad 2 year relationship. I don't
look at being a mother as a flaw but I do know that does narrow down the
list some. Not all men are looking for someone with children and I
completely understand and respect that.
2) Next so called flaw would be that once my daughter was born I had to
move back home to live with my mother. This is not something I'm proud
of but without any support from her father and covering outrageous
daycare costs it was a better option than staying in my apartment.
3) Last thing I would state as a possible flaw is the fact that I am
overweight. It's something I'm currently working on and I can happily
say I've already lost 26 pounds but there is still PLENTY to go. I
typically like a more fit man so I can also see how my weight could be a
factor in whether you would pursue me.
So yeah....we've now established that I'm a 26 year old single mother of
1 that is overweight. LOL....not exactly what you were looking for huh?
Well now that we got that out of the way, let me tell you why I'm a
GREAT CATCH!
I absolutely LOVE life. I am and have always been a "glass is half
full" type of gal. I'm a new mother and thrilled to say that. I adore
my daughter and even though I've never seen myself as the motherly type
I'm slowly finding my way. I enjoy family time which includes game
night, vacations, and Sunday night dinners. I'm also extremely driven.
I've worked in accounting since I was 16 years old and I'm currently
employed for a manufacturing company. I plan on starting school in the
Fall because while my income was sufficient prior to having a child, it
just isn't cutting it these days. I do not want to live paycheck to
paycheck and I know furthering my education can only help me. I
socially drink and do not smoke. I absolutely love sports and I'm very
competitive. I enjoy catching a UT football game on occasion and you
will catch me every year at the State Championship for high school
football. They have so much heart which makes it extremely exciting to
witness. I'm also a "Must Love Dogs" type of woman. I have an adorable
American Bulldog (I tend to like large breeds). Huge movie buff and I
can enjoy a good book every now and then. I could go on and on but by
now I'm sure you've already decided exactly how you feel about me. So,
if you're interested feel free to contact me. =)
I'm looking for someone to chat with from time to time. Someone to go
out with for dinner, drinks, sporting events, movies, etc. Basically
just casual dating and if sparks fly then we can take it from there.
The type of man I typically am attracted to is charming, funny, enjoys
family time, and must be able to accept my sarcasm. Obviously goal
oriented and successful are qualities I prefer. MUST know how to cook
b/c I'm a terrible cook. MUST also be willing to take me fishing on
occasion. =) Other than that, I'm open for anything. I'll always try
something at least once or twice so bring it on boys!
I'm still slightly skeptical about joining a dating site but with the
little free time I do have I find myself wanting to get out for a movie,
dinner, drinks, etc. more and more these days. So why not join the
dating scene right? I'm not sure a relationship is what I am ready for
but I definitely would like to meet some nice men to go on dates with
from time to time. Even just chatting via email would be appreciated at
this point. I know the whole idea of a profile is to try and sell
yourself to prospective suitors but one thing you will learn about me is
that I don't sugar coat things. I'm very direct and with that being
said I feel like the first things to start with are the possible issues
that may make you NOT interested in me. I just feel it's easier to get
that out of the way first. If you're still interested then great,
contact me. If not, neither one of us will have to waste our time.
So let's see...
1) I'm a single mother of a 4 month old little girl. She is the only
good thing that has come out of a very bad 2 year relationship. I don't
look at being a mother as a flaw but I do know that does narrow down the
list some. Not all men are looking for someone with children and I
completely understand and respect that.
2) Next so called flaw would be that once my daughter was born I had to
move back home to live with my mother. This is not something I'm proud
of but without any support from her father and covering outrageous
daycare costs it was a better option than staying in my apartment.
3) Last thing I would state as a possible flaw is the fact that I am
overweight. It's something I'm currently working on and I can happily
say I've already lost 26 pounds but there is still PLENTY to go. I
typically like a more fit man so I can also see how my weight could be a
factor in whether you would pursue me.
So yeah....we've now established that I'm a 26 year old single mother of
1 that is overweight. LOL....not exactly what you were looking for huh?
Well now that we got that out of the way, let me tell you why I'm a
GREAT CATCH!
I absolutely LOVE life. I am and have always been a "glass is half
full" type of gal. I'm a new mother and thrilled to say that. I adore
my daughter and even though I've never seen myself as the motherly type
I'm slowly finding my way. I enjoy family time which includes game
night, vacations, and Sunday night dinners. I'm also extremely driven.
I've worked in accounting since I was 16 years old and I'm currently
employed for a manufacturing company. I plan on starting school in the
Fall because while my income was sufficient prior to having a child, it
just isn't cutting it these days. I do not want to live paycheck to
paycheck and I know furthering my education can only help me. I
socially drink and do not smoke. I absolutely love sports and I'm very
competitive. I enjoy catching a UT football game on occasion and you
will catch me every year at the State Championship for high school
football. They have so much heart which makes it extremely exciting to
witness. I'm also a "Must Love Dogs" type of woman. I have an adorable
American Bulldog (I tend to like large breeds). Huge movie buff and I
can enjoy a good book every now and then. I could go on and on but by
now I'm sure you've already decided exactly how you feel about me. So,
if you're interested feel free to contact me. =)
I'm looking for someone to chat with from time to time. Someone to go
out with for dinner, drinks, sporting events, movies, etc. Basically
just casual dating and if sparks fly then we can take it from there.
The type of man I typically am attracted to is charming, funny, enjoys
family time, and must be able to accept my sarcasm. Obviously goal
oriented and successful are qualities I prefer. MUST know how to cook
b/c I'm a terrible cook. MUST also be willing to take me fishing on
occasion. =) Other than that, I'm open for anything. I'll always try
something at least once or twice so bring it on boys!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Online Dating: Happy Ending or Horror Story???
Now that things are starting to fall into place with Makenna and she’s on a regular schedule life is finally somewhat back to normal. The only thing missing…my love life. I don’t feel like I’m ready to be in a relationship yet but I definitely miss the companionship aspect of it. Moving back in with my mother has made me completely uncomfortable with attempting to date. How do you tell a man, “Yes, I’m single with a 4 month old and even though I’m 26 years old I just moved back home with my mother.” ??? That doesn’t sound very appealing. Due to this, I’ve kept to myself and not really pursued any advances that have been made my way. The problem is that I have found myself growing frustrated and wanting to get out and do things with the opposite sex more and more. Finding love overall is what we all want. However, right now all I’m wanting is to meet someone who I can date. “Date” meaning…go see a movie, have dinner, football game etc with. Just someone to have a good time with and if something sparks romantically then we can take it from there. Until I feel better about my financial/living situation I can’t say I’m ready for a “boyfriend”. For me to consider someone my “boyfriend” I need for him to be bringing a lot to the table because I plan to as well. My weight is also an issue. I want to be physically in better shape than I am. I’m slowly working on that now but I don’t think I’d feel comfortable being considered someone’s girlfriend until I’m happy with that as well. So once I feel like I’m able to give my all…then I can say I’m ready for a relationship. For now….I’m ready to date!
So my next dilemma, where the heck do I find someone? I don’t really go out that often so meeting someone in a bar/club is out. There are absolutely NO men at work that are near my age so that won’t work either. Church? Well everyone at my family’s church is married or 80 years old. Gym? Yeah um not until I lose 100 pounds so I can compete with all the skinny bitches there. Lol So yeah…next option is the internet right? Hmmm…not so sure how I feel about that. I have many friends that have joined some of the online dating sites. I’ve heard happy endings and I’ve heard horror stories. Horror stories outweighing the happy endings. I guess I need to do a little more research on the subject but I’m curious as to what ya’ll think about it. I figure at least in my profile I can put exactly what I’m wanting (which isn’t much at the moment). That way there is no way that any prospect could be confused as to what I’m looking for. There have been too many times recently that I’ve had to explain to men that I DO NOT want a relationship yet. And then the ones who understand that, then think that I’m one of those women who really want a BOOTY CALL. Let me make myself clear….I DO NOT want a BOOTY CALL.
So ladies/gentleman….what do ya’ll think? Online dating or not? Any suggestions? Opinions would be great right now. =)
So my next dilemma, where the heck do I find someone? I don’t really go out that often so meeting someone in a bar/club is out. There are absolutely NO men at work that are near my age so that won’t work either. Church? Well everyone at my family’s church is married or 80 years old. Gym? Yeah um not until I lose 100 pounds so I can compete with all the skinny bitches there. Lol So yeah…next option is the internet right? Hmmm…not so sure how I feel about that. I have many friends that have joined some of the online dating sites. I’ve heard happy endings and I’ve heard horror stories. Horror stories outweighing the happy endings. I guess I need to do a little more research on the subject but I’m curious as to what ya’ll think about it. I figure at least in my profile I can put exactly what I’m wanting (which isn’t much at the moment). That way there is no way that any prospect could be confused as to what I’m looking for. There have been too many times recently that I’ve had to explain to men that I DO NOT want a relationship yet. And then the ones who understand that, then think that I’m one of those women who really want a BOOTY CALL. Let me make myself clear….I DO NOT want a BOOTY CALL.
So ladies/gentleman….what do ya’ll think? Online dating or not? Any suggestions? Opinions would be great right now. =)
Monday, May 24, 2010
4 Months Old
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Daddy’s Never There
Little girl. 5 years old. First day of school.
Mommy’s there to waive goodbye with tears in her eyes.
He said he’d come but he’s not there, another one of his lies.
Little girl left feeling sad again like she’d been fooled.
“Daddy’s never there.”
New man tries to take his place.
Promises the world, moves them far away.
Looking back part of her still wanting to stay.
Praying she doesn’t forget his face.
Time goes by.
Life seems good to everyone else.
They don’t see the secrets held in this house.
All the bruises Mommy tries to hide and tears running down our face.
She wishes he’d come and save her from this place.
“Daddy’s never there.”
She’s all grown up and headed off to prom.
Parents gather to take pictures.
She’s greeted by just her mom.
While the other girls pose with their fathers she sits back and smiles.
She’d love for him to be there but she hasn’t heard from him in quite awhile.
“Daddy’s never there.”
5 years later. She falls in love and gives her heart to him.
Happy as can be. Everything is wonderful until they move in.
Then to her surprise, history repeats itself again.
She starts to drink to cover up the pain
Begins to drown in all the rain.
Bruises down her back, eyes getting darker each day.
She loves him but knows she can no longer stay.
She doesn’t want her family, she doesn’t want her friends.
She wants the one man in her life that seems to be his twin.
But…
“Daddy’s never there."
After 9 months of tears & pain,
It’s finally time to meet Makenna Jayde.
Family gathers with smiles all around.
Still she couldn’t help but feel a little let down.
He said he’d be there but never came.
She knew how he was so why was she surprised?
After all,
“Daddy’s never there."
Mommy’s there to waive goodbye with tears in her eyes.
He said he’d come but he’s not there, another one of his lies.
Little girl left feeling sad again like she’d been fooled.
“Daddy’s never there.”
New man tries to take his place.
Promises the world, moves them far away.
Looking back part of her still wanting to stay.
Praying she doesn’t forget his face.
Time goes by.
Life seems good to everyone else.
They don’t see the secrets held in this house.
All the bruises Mommy tries to hide and tears running down our face.
She wishes he’d come and save her from this place.
“Daddy’s never there.”
She’s all grown up and headed off to prom.
Parents gather to take pictures.
She’s greeted by just her mom.
While the other girls pose with their fathers she sits back and smiles.
She’d love for him to be there but she hasn’t heard from him in quite awhile.
“Daddy’s never there.”
5 years later. She falls in love and gives her heart to him.
Happy as can be. Everything is wonderful until they move in.
Then to her surprise, history repeats itself again.
She starts to drink to cover up the pain
Begins to drown in all the rain.
Bruises down her back, eyes getting darker each day.
She loves him but knows she can no longer stay.
She doesn’t want her family, she doesn’t want her friends.
She wants the one man in her life that seems to be his twin.
But…
“Daddy’s never there."
After 9 months of tears & pain,
It’s finally time to meet Makenna Jayde.
Family gathers with smiles all around.
Still she couldn’t help but feel a little let down.
He said he’d be there but never came.
She knew how he was so why was she surprised?
After all,
“Daddy’s never there."
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Makenna's First Road Trip
We decided to make a much needed trip down to the valley. Oh wait, let me define the “valley”. Very, very, very south Texas. Harlingen, McAllen, Brownsville area. Basically I like to call it Mexico. I can’t hate on the valley too much though because after all, I was born there. Both sides of my family are from there as well. My grandmother (Nene) just had her hip replaced and shoulder surgery. My other grandmother (Maria) is also not doing so well health wise so I figured it was time to pay a visit to both of them. At least so they could see Miss Makenna. After all, she has a way of making everyone in the room smile so I was hoping she’d help cheer them up. This was also going to be Makenna’s first road tip and her first trip to the beach (South Padre).
The drive down was great. I was worried because Makenna does not usually like sitting in her car seat for very long but she survived the 5 ½ hour drive with lots of smiles and giggles. Of course it helped that Brittany and I didn’t stop playing with her the entire time. We’d read books, make noises, silly faces, and a last ditch effort to keep her happy……BEAT BOXING. Yup…that’s right. As I began, the next words out of my mouth were, “Britt….bust a flow.” LOL The things you do to entertain your children. Embarrassment is no longer something that concerns you. No hesitations. You just do what you have to in order to put a smile on that cute little face. =)
While we were in town we made our rounds and saw pretty much all of my family. The only person I wasn’t able to see was my father which was actually a good thing. I don’t think I was ready for that confrontation yet. It was such a happy weekend that I didn’t want to ruin it. We finally made it the beach late Saturday evening and Makenna absolutely loved it. She was so intrigued by the sand and water on her little feet. I tried many times to get her attention so I could take a picture but there was no competing with them (sand and water). She forgot I was even there. Oh well, I still managed to get some cute pics taken. She sat with “Grandma Nazi” most of the time and I loved watching the two of them interact together. These days when you see my mother she’s frowning because something just pissed her off or I she doesn’t feel well. Never just relaxed and happy. So to see her playing and smiling with Makenna on the beach with not a care in the world was absolutely beautiful. Overall, a great day at the beach.
I’m glad I made it down to the valley after all. I thought many times about not going. It was definitely worth it though. Only problem was leaving. I became so sad. I love my family and wish they were closer. Spending more time with them is a must. I miss both my grandmothers so much. With that said, we’re talking about going back in July and I can’t wait. =) Beach here I come….AGAIN!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Let's try this again....much better!
Makenna turned 9 weeks yesterday. I can’t believe how quickly time is going by and now with her in daycare I feel like I never see her. I now know why mothers decide to stay home instead of going back to work. Her personality comes out more and more each day and I just love it. That awkward uneasy feeling of being a new mom has begun wearing off and I’m finally starting to feel more comfortable. If only it would have been like this in the beginning. Everyone has always said you learn as you go but I’m a planner. I wanted to know how to do everything before she came and when that didn’t happen I felt myself pulling back. My mother ended up taking on more of the role than me and I became extremely depressed that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. It didn’t help that she would tell everyone she knew how bad I was at being a mother and how she raises Makenna. Was I really that bad? I asked myself that daily til I finally realized….yes, I was that bad. While I thought I was doing a lot when I sat back I realized my mother was doing more of the interacting with her. I just did what was needed for her to survive ( feed her, change her, etc). I wasn’t actually just sitting and enjoying her company. When she was happy all I wanted to do was get away and breathe.
POSTPARTUM!!! That’s what everyone including my doctor seemed to think I was going through. I denied, denied, and denied it but looking back…that’s exactly what was going on. In fact, to this day I feel like it still is there. Ready to creep back into my life the moment I let myself lose control again. What fixed it? Realizing that it’s okay to give myself time to breathe…in moderation. I now try and go out at least once a week for “adult time”. Whether that be a drink with the girls, dinner with my sister, movies, or just going to my close friend’s house to watch tv. A few hours a week is all I need and immediately my mood has improved. Certain so called “friends” have tried criticizing me about going out but I just let it go now. I don’t stress each day about being a good mom. I know that it’s not something I needed to train for. It’s okay that I’m learning as I’m go. And as long as I give Makenna all the love she could ever ask for that’s all that matters. Even with me going back to work, it’s the quality of time we’re spending together when I see her that makes me able to handle it. Sure…any mother would love to stay home and watch every move her child makes. However my situation is not typical and I’ve learned to accept it. I have to work. I also have to be both parents to her since her father is not around. And it’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay. Now that I’ve realized that things are much easier.
POSTPARTUM!!! That’s what everyone including my doctor seemed to think I was going through. I denied, denied, and denied it but looking back…that’s exactly what was going on. In fact, to this day I feel like it still is there. Ready to creep back into my life the moment I let myself lose control again. What fixed it? Realizing that it’s okay to give myself time to breathe…in moderation. I now try and go out at least once a week for “adult time”. Whether that be a drink with the girls, dinner with my sister, movies, or just going to my close friend’s house to watch tv. A few hours a week is all I need and immediately my mood has improved. Certain so called “friends” have tried criticizing me about going out but I just let it go now. I don’t stress each day about being a good mom. I know that it’s not something I needed to train for. It’s okay that I’m learning as I’m go. And as long as I give Makenna all the love she could ever ask for that’s all that matters. Even with me going back to work, it’s the quality of time we’re spending together when I see her that makes me able to handle it. Sure…any mother would love to stay home and watch every move her child makes. However my situation is not typical and I’ve learned to accept it. I have to work. I also have to be both parents to her since her father is not around. And it’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay. Now that I’ve realized that things are much easier.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Over the weekend....
I went to the Common concert the other night which was as always….amazing. l don’t think I will ever get enough of him. As I repeated every word to “Faithful” and “ I Used To Love H.E.R.” I found myself filling my head with thoughts of Lamonte. I know most are probably saying, “WTF?” right now but I couldn’t help myself. See, last year when Common came to town Lamonte was who I went with. I sat and reminisced for a bit wondering what it would have been like if things hadn’t happened the way they did. Regret is not something I normally allow myself to do but at that moment it was floating around me. As my eyes began to water, I felt a tap on my shoulder from my sister. She was pointing out that Common had started his Ode to Hip Hop. A familiar beat began to play… “It was all a dream…” Back to reality! Thank goodness for Biggie. I knew better than to take a trip down memory lane and I’m so thankful I was interrupted. Unfortunately this wasn’t the last time I would need a reality check over the course of the weekend.
After the concert, Brittany and I went to dinner and ironically ran into Lamonte’s old friends. Typical. To make sure and keep him completely out of my head for the remainder of the night I decided to stop by my friend’s house on the way home. It definitely worked. Maybe a little too much. After an hour or so of being there I found myself in a familiar situation. One that happens way too often. We always flirt and test the fine line between friends/lovers however lately I’ve noticed myself wanting a little more of a lover than a friend. Yes, this would be who my Valentine’s Day blog was about. Knowing he would never want a relationship with me I have been telling myself never to let it go too far. Playful kissing and spooning was as much as I could allow without getting myself hurt. WRONG! I left that night having even stronger feelings for him and knew I should probably back off. “I’ll start next week!” I told myself. =)
I was woken up Sunday morning by my normal Twitter updates. Only this time, they were slightly disappointing. Turns out he had some company the night before and let’s just say he “sealed the deal”. This wasn’t out of his character so why did I now have a knot in my stomach? I mean, I’ve known him for years and he’s always lived that playboy type of lifestyle. I may have not been thrilled a time or two but never had I felt this amount of jealously and betrayal. It was as if he had cheated on me. WTF was my problem? Why were there tears in my eyes? We’ve been playing this game forever and I knew my role. After texting him with a few smart ass comments about what happened I finally became more rational and explained how it made me feel. I know it wasn’t his fault. He is single and has every right to live that way but it just hurt because I thought there was more to us than what went down. At this point, I was very glad I never followed through with my last blog. That would have turned into a disaster. He told me he would try and be more considerate of my feelings and not post things like that for me to see but that shouldn’t be his job. I’m 26 years old and should be able to handle the situation, right?
My way of dealing meant going out and having drinks with another guy that night. A pattern I thought I would have changed by now. It was nice having a drink or two. Okay who am I kidding…more like three or four. Haha However, once I started feeling a slight bit tipsy my “date” decided to confess his feelings for me for the 3rd time this year. Only this time I did not give him the “Just don’t see you that way” speech. He’s an extremely nice guy, my family loves him, and he’s been there to take me out during my entire pregnancy and after in order to keep me sane. All without ever wanting anything more than I was willing to give. The fact that he seems to be absolutely crazy about me was just an added bonus. So this time I should have said I was interested right? Of course, however my response was “I’m just not ready to be in a relationship since having Makenna.” What the hell is my problem now? After dealing with what I did that morning you’d think I’d want to jump on a chance at dating one of the good guys. NOPE! I had ZERO desire. Any normal female in my situation would want to try out something with a person who she could actually be happy with someday. Not someone who she would never trust and would more than likely break her heart once again. Not me though. I apparently enjoy living in misery and dealing with heartbreak on a daily basis. Haha. Okay, on a serious note though, what is wrong with me? After all I’ve been through why would I still allow myself to turn someone like him down and keep waiting on another who more than likely will never steer down my path? I guess we never truly change.
After the concert, Brittany and I went to dinner and ironically ran into Lamonte’s old friends. Typical. To make sure and keep him completely out of my head for the remainder of the night I decided to stop by my friend’s house on the way home. It definitely worked. Maybe a little too much. After an hour or so of being there I found myself in a familiar situation. One that happens way too often. We always flirt and test the fine line between friends/lovers however lately I’ve noticed myself wanting a little more of a lover than a friend. Yes, this would be who my Valentine’s Day blog was about. Knowing he would never want a relationship with me I have been telling myself never to let it go too far. Playful kissing and spooning was as much as I could allow without getting myself hurt. WRONG! I left that night having even stronger feelings for him and knew I should probably back off. “I’ll start next week!” I told myself. =)
I was woken up Sunday morning by my normal Twitter updates. Only this time, they were slightly disappointing. Turns out he had some company the night before and let’s just say he “sealed the deal”. This wasn’t out of his character so why did I now have a knot in my stomach? I mean, I’ve known him for years and he’s always lived that playboy type of lifestyle. I may have not been thrilled a time or two but never had I felt this amount of jealously and betrayal. It was as if he had cheated on me. WTF was my problem? Why were there tears in my eyes? We’ve been playing this game forever and I knew my role. After texting him with a few smart ass comments about what happened I finally became more rational and explained how it made me feel. I know it wasn’t his fault. He is single and has every right to live that way but it just hurt because I thought there was more to us than what went down. At this point, I was very glad I never followed through with my last blog. That would have turned into a disaster. He told me he would try and be more considerate of my feelings and not post things like that for me to see but that shouldn’t be his job. I’m 26 years old and should be able to handle the situation, right?
My way of dealing meant going out and having drinks with another guy that night. A pattern I thought I would have changed by now. It was nice having a drink or two. Okay who am I kidding…more like three or four. Haha However, once I started feeling a slight bit tipsy my “date” decided to confess his feelings for me for the 3rd time this year. Only this time I did not give him the “Just don’t see you that way” speech. He’s an extremely nice guy, my family loves him, and he’s been there to take me out during my entire pregnancy and after in order to keep me sane. All without ever wanting anything more than I was willing to give. The fact that he seems to be absolutely crazy about me was just an added bonus. So this time I should have said I was interested right? Of course, however my response was “I’m just not ready to be in a relationship since having Makenna.” What the hell is my problem now? After dealing with what I did that morning you’d think I’d want to jump on a chance at dating one of the good guys. NOPE! I had ZERO desire. Any normal female in my situation would want to try out something with a person who she could actually be happy with someday. Not someone who she would never trust and would more than likely break her heart once again. Not me though. I apparently enjoy living in misery and dealing with heartbreak on a daily basis. Haha. Okay, on a serious note though, what is wrong with me? After all I’ve been through why would I still allow myself to turn someone like him down and keep waiting on another who more than likely will never steer down my path? I guess we never truly change.
Monday, February 22, 2010
TWITTER - Hill Harper
Damn I really am becoming obsessed with Twitter. Love following Hill Harper. He is just so damn sexy! =) Okay okay...back to getting ready for my appt.
SparkPeople
Well I joined Sparkpeople again today. Not sure if I ever mentioned it but it's a pretty helpful weightloss website. Based on your weight, height, and physical activities it calculates exactly how many calories you should intake daily. I started a week and a half before finding out I was pregnant and lost 10 pounds right away. Hoping to continue the success now that I have had Makenna. 22 pounds down so far. Of course I gained 14 of those while pregnant but hey...its something right? haha
Anyhow, Becki and I went grocery shopping last Friday and she has me trying to eat more natural products. We'll see how this goes. I never realized how many things I had were made with "enriched flour". Not good! So I made sure everything I bought was whole wheat. Of course half of it tastes like cardboard but maybe it will help me in decreasing how many carbs I consume. I definitely could cut back on them.
Well I'm about to get ready to go see the doctor and hoping that I will have lost more weight since last time. Also hoping she'll give me the okay to start exercising again. If anything, I'm going to start walking again each night to get me going again so I won't be completely out of it when I get back into the gym. Besides, Becki has me interested in joining a fastpitch softball team again and well, I HAVE to be in shape so I need to get started ASAP!
Anyhow, Becki and I went grocery shopping last Friday and she has me trying to eat more natural products. We'll see how this goes. I never realized how many things I had were made with "enriched flour". Not good! So I made sure everything I bought was whole wheat. Of course half of it tastes like cardboard but maybe it will help me in decreasing how many carbs I consume. I definitely could cut back on them.
Well I'm about to get ready to go see the doctor and hoping that I will have lost more weight since last time. Also hoping she'll give me the okay to start exercising again. If anything, I'm going to start walking again each night to get me going again so I won't be completely out of it when I get back into the gym. Besides, Becki has me interested in joining a fastpitch softball team again and well, I HAVE to be in shape so I need to get started ASAP!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
Well it's that time of year again. You know. The time for shades of pink/red everywhere, chocolates, roses, strawberries, etc. YUCK! haha Just kidding. Yes, I'm just like every other typical woman and I do feed into the Valentine's Day hype. This year is different though. I'm single and while I've been single on Valentine's Day before, I'm still a little bitter from my last relationship. I had all week to listen to everyone discuss their plans for today and who they were sharing it with. When I complained about not having a Valentine every one's response was, "You have Makenna". Very true. She is the person I care about the most and so it would be only natural to share today with her. BUT........... we all know we still want to have that significant other. That person you just can't get enough of. So this made me really think. I went through memories of all my past relationships, why they failed, what was good about them, and what I've learned? Who made me laugh? Who made me cry? Who is still in my life? And who I never want to see again? When it came down to it there was one person who kept popping up. He's been in my life for 7 years and I don't see him going anywhere anytime soon. I've lusted after him, loved him, mistreated him, been mistreated by him, hated him, forgave him, and found myself always running back to him. I grew up in front of him and learned a lot along the way. He is one of the few people who have always been completely honest with me no matter what. Sometimes this was a lot to take in but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I believe only true friends can be brutally honest and still have a positive effect. He keeps me in line, looks after me, and definitely is not afraid to tell me when I'm screwing up. Whether its a shoulder I need to cry on or just a night of watching tv over at his place to put me in a better mood he's always there. While I've tried to not be attracted to him its been pretty undeniable since the day we met. He just has a weird hold on me. I can't stop smiling everytime I'm around him and when I get a random text I find myself getting that warm feeling inside.
My friend Becki asked me last night if I had ever really been in love. I told her yes, once with Lamonte. But was that true? The more I thought about it the more I realized that there was someone else. Someone I can never imagine not being part of my life. And that's him. Could this explain why I still find myself getting jealous when I see that he's dating other women? I try to joke about it and laugh it off in order to still play the friend role but truth is it hurts so much when I think about it. I literally get sick to my stomach. He's on my mind constantly. When I'm having a good day he's the first person I want to share it with. When I feel like my whole world is crashing down he's the first person I want to run to. I picture him in my life forever. Some may say this would make him my bestfriend. Some may say I am IN LOVE with him. Either way, it will never be more than what it is. I'd rather keep the relationship I have with him then risk letting him know how I truly feel. So after today I won't discuss it again. Just figured when you have such strong feelings you deserve to let them out at least once. Well here was my chance and why not today right? Happy Valentine's Day!
My friend Becki asked me last night if I had ever really been in love. I told her yes, once with Lamonte. But was that true? The more I thought about it the more I realized that there was someone else. Someone I can never imagine not being part of my life. And that's him. Could this explain why I still find myself getting jealous when I see that he's dating other women? I try to joke about it and laugh it off in order to still play the friend role but truth is it hurts so much when I think about it. I literally get sick to my stomach. He's on my mind constantly. When I'm having a good day he's the first person I want to share it with. When I feel like my whole world is crashing down he's the first person I want to run to. I picture him in my life forever. Some may say this would make him my bestfriend. Some may say I am IN LOVE with him. Either way, it will never be more than what it is. I'd rather keep the relationship I have with him then risk letting him know how I truly feel. So after today I won't discuss it again. Just figured when you have such strong feelings you deserve to let them out at least once. Well here was my chance and why not today right? Happy Valentine's Day!
Distance from Lamonte
Well I finally received a voicemail from Lamonte regarding Makenna. Keep in mind this is AFTER I emailed him letting him know he really didn't have to be in her life because it didn't seem like he wanted to be anyways. His voicemail basically asked what he needed to do in order to be on her birth certificate. Is he serious? He hasn't even asked how she has been since the day she was born. I wrote back and give him the information on how to be added to the birth certificate against my better judgement and what do you know...haven't heard from him since. Am I wrong for being so angry with him? I guess its just that I have had to listen to everyone bad mouth him during my pregnancy and I've always stopped them and reminded them that while he disappeared shortly after finding out I was pregnant he never technically said he wouldn't take care of her. In fact, he told me over and over again he wanted to be part of her life. So when he told me he was coming to town the weekend I was scheduled to have her I thought he was following through with his promises. However, when the day finally came he didn't show up and only called for a few short seconds after I delivered. I didn't even get to give him her stats before the nurse asked me to get off the phone. I told him to call me back in the next few minutes, he said okay but then I never heard from him again. Not until 2 weeks later when I received the voicemail regarding the birth certificate. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing in telling him just to continue to stay away but everytime I look at her I can't stand to think she may have to deal with him in the future. Do I think he would love her? Yes. But, do I really want to put her through him coming and going? I thought I could handle it and just let her make her own decisions but its so hard now that she's finally here. They say a mother will do anything to protect her child and I finally know exactly how that feels. I look at Makenna everyday and all of the people who love and care for her. She's adorable and such a sweetheart. I don't understand how someone could NOT want to be part of her life and well that is what Lamonte has shown. As a father you'd think he'd want to check up on her and make sure she's doing well but that has not happened. Maybe he does care but if so, he has a strange way of showing it. No one knows what the future holds but one thing is for sure. She is a blessing and the only good thing that ever came out of our relationship. I will continue to try my best to keep her from getting hurt but I will admit distancing her from him is going to be hard. I wanted so badly for him to be in her life and I will always wonder what it would have been like for her to be close with him. I truly hope I'm doing the right thing.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Makenna Jayde Price
Well so much for me updating my blog all the time....
It's been awhile and well my little girl is finally here.
Makenna Jayde Price was born January 24, 2010 at 6:49pm. She weighed 6lbs 7oz and was 18 1/2 inches long.
She has blonde/brownish colored hair, Lamonte's dimples, and a beautiful smile. I absolutely love her.
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