A Dozen Roses

Sweet gestures really can go a long way when it comes to women. These days expression of feelings are usually expressed through text, email, instant messenger, or even worse…Facebook postings. With all these tech savy ways of communicating how we feel it always makes me appreciate the good old days of hand written notes, flowers, candy, etc. Receiving an “I’m sorry” note from a friend, “Get Well” flowers from a family member, or “Happy Valentine’s Day” candy from your boyfriend always puts a smile on your face and seems so much more personal.

So to explain my weekend I will first need to introduce a new person to the blog. We will call him “Kevin”. “Kevin” is my neighbor across the street. We’ve recently been hanging out and while we get along great we both could never see ourselves dating each other. Still having a male companion around can have its perks. Especially when dealing with the pregnancy depression of being single. Anyhow, Kevin and I made plans Saturday to rent a movie and just stay in and watch it. He had a birthday dinner to go to and then was going to head to Blockbuster around 8pm to pick out a movie. I waited and waited but never heard from him. I ended up going to dinner with my sister and just figured he forgot or got held up. I will admit that I was a little disappointed and the crazy thought of “another man letting me down” went through my head but overall I didn’t let it get to me. I finally received a call from “Kevin” at 11:45pm that night. He said his family ended up coming into town and that he’d be a little longer but wanted to know if it was still okay to see me. My response of course was, “No”. Even though I had ZERO plans for the night and was extremely bored, as a women we all know we have to make them suffer when they screw up. LOL So that is what I did. He continued texting and calling all night still trying to make up for it and see me and I continued to reject him. I slept pretty well that night knowing that it drove him crazy that I wouldn’t give in and allow him to come over. =)

Sunday morning comes along and after church I receive a phone call from him apologizing again for the night before and he tells me he has a surprise for me when I get home. At this point I’m rolling my eyes and thinking, “WHATEVER”. When I got home that afternoon I decided to see what the surprise was all about and told him to meet me outside in 5 minutes. When I came out, there he was with a dozen long stem red roses. Wow! He said he just wanted to make sure I knew how sorry he was for the night before. All this for calling me 3 hours late? “David” did horrible things during our relationship and I still never received “I’m sorry” flowers. I did not know how to react at first. I was definitely in shock. I know roses to most may not seem like a big deal but with the way my life has been going the roses symbolized something so much more than just a sweet gesture. It let me know I was worth more than what I’ve had in the past. No, I’m not falling in love with my neighbor or anything like that. But, he reminded me that as women we do deserve things like this. We do deserve an “I’m sorry” no matter how small the issue. It feels good to have someone of the opposite sex recognize when they are wrong and correct the situation even when it is something so simple. I had become so use to it always being my fault in my last relationship. Even when “David” cheated, he blamed it on me. For once to have someone else doing the apologizing felt good. Now if only he knew I don't like red roses…lol Oh well…he tried. lol

14 weeks!!!

Hey Everyone!
14 weeks today. So happy. My baby is now growing hair. lol My mom thinks I'm retarded for reading each week what all the baby has developed. Oh well. I'm just super excited about it. I planned on writing a long blog on how the pregnancy is going but I'm exhausted. So I'll have to catch everyone up another night. Sleep tight guys! =) Enjoy your week.

No, I don't HATE "David"

Okay so after having my blog up for awhile I've had a lot of questions as to if I HATE "David". To answer....no. How can I HATE someone who at one time brought me so much happiness? My blogs were not meant to put him down or make him look like a horrible man. They were simply the truth. I just needed to vent and get it out. He constantly gets upset with me because he feels I make him look bad. I speak the truth. That's it. If his actions make him look bad, that's his problem. He truly was a good man at one point but after a year or more of cheating we both found that we brought the worst out in each other. See I was never innocent in all of this. I may not have cheated but I was just as bad in many ways. I used my first few blogs as a way of catching you up as to how it became so hostile between us. Most of you had no idea why we broke up and kept questioning me as to why I wouldn't just try and make it work. Well now you know. This blog is not a "David" bashing blog and this will probably be the last negative thing you hear about him. Reality is I still love him and I know he still loves me. We're just not meant to be anything more than what we are right now. And as for our child, it will not grow up hearing what a horrible man "David" was/is. I won't do that to them. I want them to love their father and think he is the best person in the world. That is why I vent now. To get it all out. I don't want to be that jaded mother who constantly reminds her child about all the things their father put her through.

Alicia Keys - Lesson Learned

This seemed appropriate for the blog. I had this on repeat for days after David and I broke up.....such a good song.

Pregnant and Single

I was scared to tell David when I first found out I was pregnant. I knew this was horrible timing with us just breaking up. However, over the course of two years him and I discussed many times the possibility of pregnancy. When you're not trying to prevent it there is always that chance. Every time this conversation came up he was adamant that abortion was out of the question. Even if we weren't together he said that he loved me and we would make it work for the child. So keeping all this in mind I gathered up the courage to call him and tell him. To my surprise his initial reaction was to ignore me for a few days. Those were the hardest days because I was already vulnerable from finding out and now I had to sit and wonder what he was thinking. When he finally contacted me he insisted I have an abortion. WHAT? This is the man who claims he doesn't believe in abortion. Now I start to remind myself about Bertha claiming that he got her pregnant and made her have an abortion too. He denied it but with his actions now I am starting to think she was telling the truth. Who is this man? So cold. I took myself out of the situation and just did alot of thinking over the next week. When i finally reached my decision I knew it would impact our friendship. I knew making the choice to keep the child meant losing David FOREVER. This was something I would have to accept. It was not the child's fault that David and I made poor choices. I could not take its life. Some may never understand why I decided to go through with this pregnancy and put myself in a situation where I will be a single mom. I can't explain it to you either. It was just this feeling that came over me and I knew I was making the right decision. Since telling David, he has gone back and forth on whether he wants to be in the child's life. Some days he is all for it. Other days he wants nothing to do with it other than to pay child support once its born. This is why I think of everything and plan everything as if I will be a single mom. I do not see him sticking around once he/she is born. This may not be the perfect idea of pregnancy for most, but for me I'm making the best of it. It's definitely been an emotional rollercoaster dealing with the breakup and the pregnancy at the same time but I'm getting through it. 13 weeks today and still very healthy. As for David, he has continued his drama with Mina, Lina, Sophia, and Bertha. Still sleeping with all of them. So yes, there is a possibility that there will be more children in his future. At this time all I can say is "Good luck girls. Enjoy him." I am finally washing my hands of him.

Reflection

I'm tearing up now after putting all of that out there. It hurts to bring back all of those memories but at the same time I think that is what I needed to do. I just needed to get it out there. B/c when they remained my secrets they didn't seem like reality. And well, its time to face reality. I hid all of the fights, cheating, lies, etc from everyone because I never wanted anyone to dislike David and more so b/c I was ashamed in myself. My mother raised me to be a strong independent woman and this past year I feel I failed her. I became weak. I let him tear me down to nothing. I did everything he ever wanted me to and yet still even after he cheated all I wanted was to make him happy so he would stay with me. I had no self worth. It saddens me to say that but its true. I let him physically and emotionally abuse me and never stood up to him. Those who know me are probably in shock right now. I want to tell you that I finally came to my senses and was able to be the strong woman that I use to be but that is not the case this time. He left and it forced me to move on. I didn't choose to move on. I can only hope that someday if ever in a similar situation I can make the choice and not have to be forced. Only then could I truly be satisfied with myself.
I wish this could be the end of the chapter for David but while we broke up in March 2009, he did not move out of my apartment until May 2009. This is when I found out I was pregnant.......

Cheating

I found out he might possibly be cheating on me October 2008. That is when "Bertha" appeared. She was a heavy, white, tattooed girl who did not seem very attractive. She worked with David and he claimed she was obsessed with him. So much so that we had to have his phone number changed and our house number changed. I went through hell and back over this girl and I always had my doubts as to if she was really "crazy" or if David had in fact slept with her. With all my suspicions I started to drive myself "crazy". I was constantly worried about where he was, what he was doing, and who he was talking to. This was miserable. When 2009 approached he held me on New Year's Eve night and told me that he knew he'd been a horrible man and that all he wanted to do was make it up to me and make 2009 the best year of my life. I fell for it and thought everything was going to look up. Wrong again....now there was a new love interest of his. Her name was Sophia. Sophia was 4 or 5 months pregnant and also worked with him. He lied and said they were just friends until 1 night closer to the end of January she called and I was not going to keep playing stupid anymore so I picked up the phone and talked to her. She ended up showing up at my door a few minutes later only to inform me that she'd been in my apt, she'd taken a shower in my shower, she'd played with my dog, and yes she'd been sleeping with David the entire time. WOW!!!! I was speechless. She told me there were lots of other girls I didn't know about that he'd been seeing at work and for me to not feel stupid b/c it turns out he had been telling everyone we weren't really together. Just roommates. I can honestly say I have never been so hurt in my entire life. I couldn't even breathe I was so upset. I wish I could tell you I dumped him and never saw him again but remember I told you we didn't break up until March of 2009, still in January now. He said he was in love with me and he'd do anything to make me stay with him so once again...I gave in. You know I could slap myself now for being so stupid but at the time I was in love and its true what they say, "Love is blind.". Over the next few months the truth came out. It turns out he was sleeping with "Bertha", "Sophia", "Mina" and "Lina" from work. As for any others, he wouldn't say who but said yes there had been others too. What was so bad was they all work together and knew about each other. That just seems so nasty to me. We finally decided to end it b/c he was not ready to stop sleeping around and we were making each other miserable. Reality was I could never get over what he'd done. By this point the fights had become physical and before it was all over I ended up with a scar down my back.

The Beginning

Well let's see if I can catch you up on this past year. My now ex and I officially broke up in March of this year (2009 ). We will call him "David". David and I were together for almost two years and our first year was the best time of my life. I couldn't have been happier. We were so in love and we'd even discussed marriage. He had even talked to my mom about buying me a ring. We moved in together in August of 2008. We had a wonderful first month and then my birthday came around. That's when I first found out that "David" was not so perfect. It turns out this man who I thought had shared everything with me had not been so honest. I found emails and pictures of a little girl and a little boy the day of my birthday. These were his children who he had hidden from me the first year of our relationship. It turns out he had a son in San Antonio and a daughter in Florida and he never planned on telling me. I know you're thinking, "Run girl..." but well I loved him. I begged him to tell me any other secrets he'd been hiding then so we could move past everything and he informed me of some legal issues that I won't discuss on here but that definitely impacted his life. I took it all in and thought long and hard about the situation. Did I want to have to never have a financially stable life with him due to all of the child support? Could I handle being a step mom if I married him? Ultimately I loved him and so the decision came easy. Yes, I was willing to stick it out with him. What I didn't know was that it would all go down hill from here....

Intro....

You know some may say having an online journal is not the smartest thing because you're exposing yourself for everyone to be in your business. I can agree that if the information you give out in your blogs landed in the wrong hands it could be a disaster. However, I still feel like having this available for others to read that may possibly be going through something similar can be helpful. Writing and music are my two ways of expressing myself. I don't do well trying to talk about my problems out loud and so therefore writing truly is like therapy for me. I've been through my roughest year and have found myself at the point of "melt down" a few times lately. I know there is alot of hurt and pain I still need to deal with and well...this seems like the perfect place to start. I'm going to try to write in here as much as possible. I've decided to keep this public because at this point...I really could care less who knows what. I've been stalked on myspace already, so what else could possibly go wrong. LOL. I have decided for my friends & family's sake to change up the names I use. So no one's real names will be used in this blog. You may like what you read, you may not. You may think I'm just blabbing on and on. If you're not interested you can just click that "X" at the top right of your screen. This is for me. This is my release.....