Final Post!

This chapter is finally over and I’m ready to move on to the next. Yes, this will be my final post to this blog. I’ve written about love, loss, motherhood, the odds & ends that make up my everyday life, and recently abuse. I think I’ve let most of my skeletons out of the closet with this one. Writing in this blog has been an amazing experience. I searched daily for The Point Of it All. What have I found? That the beautiful blonde hair blue eyed angel I tuck in bed every night is infact…the point of it all. Without everything I’ve been through she would not have been created. I’m grateful for my experiences good or bad because I’ve learned so much. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I’m excited to share my new adventures with everyone in Beautifully Human. To view this blog go to http://beautifullyhuman2011.blogspot.com/



Happy reading!

Acceptance

Acceptance

I received news recently that a friend of mine had been a victim of rape almost 10 years ago. How could she never have said anything? Why was he not reported? How did I not know? I sat in shock as she continued to tell her story over the phone. 




Sarah: It’s just one of those things. It happened. No big deal.

Myself: What do you mean just one of those things? Sarah that is not okay! Why didn’t you call the police?

Sarah: He didn’t mean to and we both were tipsy. Plus I was embarrassed and didn’t know what people would think. You know my reputation. Nobody would have believed me.

Myself: You’re so damn stupid! It was RAPE! He forced himself on you and you said no! I don’t get why women have such a hard time admitting that. 

Sarah: Hold up….how are you gonna talk? Don’t you remember what happened with you and Paul? Last time I checked that was the same damn thing!

Myself: No, no, no…I wouldn’t call it rape.

Sarah: Hmph…Did you tell him to stop?

Myself: Well yes.

Sarah: Did he?

Myself: Once he was done. But he was drunk… he didn't know what he was doing… (silence)


Right there I realized just how easy it is for men to get away with things like this. I’ve always looked back at that night and had an uncomfortable feeling inside. I realize now there was a reason every time I drove passed that hotel I would look the opposite way. Did I really try to pretend it never happened? He had way too much to drink that night. I knew he didn't mean it. Besides, I agreed at first so I had to allow him to finish, right?  Ugh! I could slap myself right now. I sound like one of those women. You know, the ones that make excuses for the things men do. The reality of the situation…I asked him to stop. Then I begged him to stop. I tried to push him off but given his size and the position we were in there was no way he was moving. I smelled the alcohol on his breath as he whispered in my ear to just “hold on”. That he was almost done. At that moment I felt my entire body go numb. It no longer hurt. I laid as still as possible, praying that it would be over soon. Tears rolled down my face as I tried to imagine myself in a better place. What was only a minute or two felt like an eternity. I wish I could say that once it was over I left but that was not how it went at all. He looked over at me and realized how hard I had been crying and quickly sobered up. He just kept telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me. That he’d zoned out and didn’t realize what he was doing. He tried to hold me but stopped when he realized that his touch had me shaking. “Baby I’m sorry…are you okay?” he asked. I couldn’t say a word. I just laid there and eventually we both went to sleep. 

I wasn’t sure whether or not I should share this. It’s something extremely personal and obviously I’ve kept it a secret for a very long time now. The more I thought about it and the more I thought about how long Sarah had kept this from me the angrier I got. This is not something that is okay and it shouldn’t just be forgotten. I tried to put this as far back in my head as possible but when I really think about it I’ve carried it with me the entire time. It’s affected my relationships with not just men but people in general. I’m not looking for a pity party but if this helps just one person come forward or accept that this is NOT your fault then I feel like it was worth letting this out.

Rodeo Time!

Super exhausted.  I took the day off yesterday so I could spend the day with Makenna.  Boy she wore me out.  We ended up going to the Rodeo.  This was her 2nd time to go and I must say she really did enjoy herself.  She loved the petting zoo and really liked the actual rodeo.  To top it off Dierks Bentley was performing last night which made everything that much better.  =)  So glad I decided to go after all.  Now I just need to get home so I can rest up before our busy week.  Britt is turning 22 this weekend so we have all sorts of things planned. 

Makenna's 1st trip to the zoo (San Antonio Zoo)

Makenna had her first trip to the zoo this past weekend. She had a BLAST! As soon as we got there she was jumping up and down. By the time we got to the first exhibit she was shaking with excitement. It was soooo cute! I think her favorite out of everything was the black bear. She went NUTS and then started crying when we had to walk away to the next animal. Overall it was a great experience for her and all of us. She had her first snow cone as well which she also loved. We ended the day with the train outside of the zoo which also was a great thing for her. Again another point where she was so excited that she was shaking. Here are a few pics...

Final court date for Child Support

Today was the last day for court. Thank goodness! This whole process has been exhausting. Lamonte’s payment amount has been set and I’ve been instructed to start saving any medical receipts for Makenna so that I can mail them to him for his records. According to the documentation he will have to pay ½ of all medical expenses including copays going forward. I didn’t know they would include all that. As for his monthly payment to me. If you do not factor in back child support and his portion to contribute to her health insurance he will be paying $169 a month. I know that doesn’t seem like much to some people but I’m just grateful to be getting something from him. Of course this won’t take effect until March of 2012 but at least all the paper work has been done. Everyone freaked when I told them how low it was but you have to consider his means of living. He already has two other children in which he will be paying child support for so the $169 is going to really hurt him. I honestly don’t know how he’ll be able to survive on his own financially with all this debt owed. Then if the 3rd woman in Florida decides to hit him up for child support for their son he will really be screwed. I truly do feel bad for him b/c with all his legal issues and child support he has been set up to fail. I don’t think it’s fair but at the same time it’s not fair to any of the other women either. I do think a man should be held as accountable as a woman. While he will have to struggle to make these payments I will be struggling right along with him. IF I ever receive any money from him it won’t even cover a week’s worth of child care. I don’t think that’s something men think about when they claim we’re all money hungry when asking for child support. Lamonte however has not complained. He’s actually made this process very easy on me which I’m also grateful for. For now he’s been set up with supervised visits but if he meets all his requirements he eventually will be able to take Makenna outside of our home for a few hours, then a day, then overnight, etc. It will all be a slow process but I have a good feeling about not having any issues where that is concerned. I think the only negative thing I can say about today was that I didn’t appreciate having to talk about our past relationship and issues. It was really hard but according to both the attorney and judge it was necessary when establishing visitation. There was a lot they wanted me to say that I kept in because I just felt like it was digging him a deeper grave. I don’t want to hurt him like that. Luckily for me the fact that he was incarcerated was enough of a reason to establish the supervision during visits. So glad this is finally over!

DJ Makenna

Valentine's Day!

Oh the joys of Valentine’s Day…lol. It’s been a very interesting day. I found amusement listening to all the comments of the day from friends and family. Some were boasting about all the amazing gifts they received from their significant others. Some still seemed unsure as to if their “Valentine” would live up to the ridiculous expectations that had been set for them. I had the occasional Anti-Valentine’s Day comment thrown out. “It’s a made up holiday by Hallmark!” “Why would you only celebrate once a year the love you have for one another?” Then the questions began for myself. “Do you have a Valentine this year?” “What are your plans for the evening?” When I responded with the fact that I will be alone this Valentine’s immediately EVERYONE had advice for me. They either reminded me how lucky I am to have Makenna and reassured me that she will always be my Valentine, OR they told me a horror story about an ex boyfriend ending with, “See you’re lucky that you’re single…”. All I could do was smile.




See for the first time in years I’m actually content with being “alone on Valentine’s Day”. Yes, this was a CHOICE. As women I feel that we work ourselves up over the dreaded February 14th. No I’m not one of those Anti-VDay people. I actually love this time of year. Single or not it’s the celebration of love and who can go wrong with that? It’s in our nature to fall in love with the idea of being in love. It begins as young girls with that first kindergarten crush and I don’t think we ever truly grow out of it. So if we choose to embrace this fully once a year where is the harm in that?



With that being said I’ve always had someone in my life. Whether it be a boyfriend, friend with benefits, or that random person you can call up whenever you’re feeling a little lonely. I literally have NEVER been completely alone. One of my closest friends called me up last night asking what my plans were for today and with a short pause I responded with, “Absolutely nothing.” She laughed and asked again, “No really…who is the lucky guy?”. She seemed astonished when I told her that I, for once in my life, did not have any romantic interests at the moment. Again, like all the others today, she began to list all the reasons it was okay that I was alone this year. Why is being alone today not accepted? I’ve dated dozens of men in my 27 years. I’ve had heartaches and broken a few hearts. I’ve had flings, rebounds, and committed relationships. I’ve been cheated on and sadly to say I’ve also been the cheater. I even contemplated marriage at one point. Hell….I’m EXHAUSTED! For once I’d like some ME time. A nice bottle of wine accompanied by a sappy romantic comedy will do just the trick tonight. So ladies if you’re single please do the same. Just because there isn’t a special someone in your life doesn’t mean you can’t show a little love to yourself today. Don’t try and bring others who are happy down with you. Embrace this wonderful holiday created by Hallmark!

Okay enough! Please find a new hobby. Reading my blog EVERYDAY is a little creepy.

SNOW DAY!!!

Here are some random pics from the snow in Austin today....the pups had more fun than Miss Makenna.

I never thought we'd be back to this. Life is GOOD!

Makenna's 1st Birthday

Makenna's 1st birthday was a huge success. We had over 30 people show up which may seem a little excessive to some but hey...it's her 1st birthday!!! I baked all the cupcakes myself including the Giant one I made just for her. That was a big step for me since I've never baked in my life. Lol. All in all it was a great turn out and she had a blast. The ball pool was a great idea and kept the little ones very busy. I loved seeing the smile on my baby's face the entire time. Still can't believe she's growing up so fast.

Yay! I LOVE getting the mail these days! And I LOVE how clueless she is about the whole situation. Lol

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

Makenna's Outfit

Yay!  Makenna's outfit was picked up today.  I LOVE it.  I'm so glad we decided to go into Sweet Love Sugar Britches .  They did such a wonderful job.  Oh and BTW its Hot Pink, Lime Green, White, and Brown.  I know it looks black but that was just the bad camera phone.  Now I just need to get everything else orgnainzed.  Last minute cupcake theme has been some what of a challenge.  I thought for sure in Austin finding cupcake stuff would be easy....WRONG!  Everything has to be ordered which means shipping which means NO BUENO for Tiffany since the party is in a few days.  The good thing is that I'm off tomorrow so atleast I will have time to clean and get things ready.  That way I can spend Friday and Saturday tracking down the last minute items.  Since I'm baking everything myself I definitely need to be home somewhat early Friday night so I can begin.  This will definitely be interesting.  Crossing my fingers it turns out okay. 

Anthony Hamilton is perfect for my mood right now...

PATERNITY RESULTS ARE IN.....

I received the paternity results today in the mail for Makenna.  It is 99.99% positive that Lamonte IS the father.  LOL...as if we really had any doubts.  The only good thing about getting it done was that it gives certain other people no reason to doubt it anymore.  My beautiful little blonde hair blue eyed girl is definitely the daughter of Mr Morris.  :-)  She has his personality, his dimples, his forehead (poor baby), and definitely his DNA.  Now that we're done with that I should just be going to court to settle the visitation rights.  Since he won't be there it will be up to me to come up with what I think is fair.  I don't want to be ugly about things because he really does finally seem interested in being in her life so I think I'll leave it up to him as to when he wants to see her.  The only thing I will be strict about is that they will supervised visits for at least the first year.  So much has gone on that I need to see that he truly has changed before I'd trust him taking my daughter outside of my home.  I still need to write him about that so hopefully he will agree that its the best decision for now.  We just have to take things slowly to build a better and more positive relationship with one another.  There hasn't been much trust on either side so I think once we can fix that we'll be better parents for Makenna.

pics of Asia on her birthday. Can't believe our sweet puppy is already 2. Sleep tight everyone.

Court in the morning. Keeping my fingers crossed we can finalize everything tomorrow. Time to write Lamonte back. How ironic I received his letter asking for

Day 1: WW Points Plus

Day 1: I’ve started full force with the WW Points Plus program today.  I waited too long this morning to eat so since I was STARVING I did splurge a bit at first but tried to make up for it during lunch. 

Breakfast – 11 PTS


- Thomas Cinnamon Swirl bagel w/ 1tsp margarine – 8pts

- Starbucks Mocha Light Frappuccino bottle – 3pts

Snack – ZERO PTS

- 1 small banana

Lunch – 7 PTS

- 2 slices Nature’s Own WhiteWheat – 3pts

- 5 slices Oscar Mayer Oven Roasted Turkey Breast – 1pts

- 1 slice Kraft Deli Fresh 2% milk reduced fat swiss cheese – 2pts

- Mustard – 0pts

- 4 small pineapple chunks – 0pts

- 1 cup grapes – 0pts

- 2 tps of pistachios – 1pts

- Bigelow Green Tea with Mango 8oz – 0pts

It’s 1pm and I’ve used 17 pts.  I should have made better choices however I’m not too upset.  Usually a sausage biscuit from McDonalds would have replaced that bagel.  Dr Pepper would have replaced the green tea and chips would have beat out the fruit.  So all in all I’m pleased with the results so far.  This has left me with 24 pts left over for dinner.  I’m still unsure as to what I will be having for dinner but its nice to know I have enough points left to have a satisfying dinner.  So day 1 hasn’t been bad so far. 

Fellas if you can't give her a foundation, don't expect her to stay grounded.

There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book...

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

2011 - It's resolution time....

WOW!  I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by.  I've been through so much this year and I'm so grateful to have the friends and family that I have around me.  Having Makenna was a huge milestone for me and I absolutely LOVE being a mother.  I feel like I've grown alot this year but there is still so much I want to improve on.  So I'm making a rather large resolution this year.  My New Year's resolution for 2011 is to improve overall mind, body, & soul.  I know that doesn't sound like a big resolution but here's why I say it will be.  I've created a list of things I want to do, need to do, or know that I want to improve on.  Some might say it seems a little silly but they are definitely things I need to work on.  I plan on reviewing this list from time to time to make sure that I'm sticking with them so that I can keep up with my resolution. 

• Eat healthier.  I'd like to try and eat more organic and less processed foods.  I also need to watch my caloric intake so that I can lose the weight I want to lose this year.
• Meet my WW goal this year of 70lbs.
• Go to the gym on a regular basis.
• Attend church more frequently and find a permanent church for Makenna.
• Avoid using so many curse words.
• Create a better schedule for myself and my daughter.
• Learn to cook.
• Stay well manicured (hair, nails, etc).
• Revamp my wardrobe.
• Read more / Less tv.
• Dedicate more time to my blog.
• Take at least 1 out of state trip.
• Take at least 2 trips within Texas.
• Create a savings for myself and for Makenna.
• De-clutter my house.
• Set up a monthly brunch for the girls so we can have adult time.  =)
• Become more tech savvy with my iPad.
• Stay more on top of everyone's birthdays and special occasions.
• Take Makenna to at least 2 different zoos.
• Visit more dog parks with Asia.
• Work on being more punctual.
• Avoid saying things such as hate, shut up, retard, loser, etc.
• Be a better mom to Makenna and spend more quality time with her.
• Go back to school.
• Learn and practice meditation.
• Find love.....

New Year's Eve 2011

Originally I planned on staying at home with Makenna for a nice quiet night far far away from all the drunks.  I figured I'd put her to bed early, watch a movie ring in the New Year at home alone.  Well...
CHANGE OF PLANS!  =)

We ended up going to dinner at Blue Oak Grill which was super yummy with all of my family that was in town.  They had a live band there and Makenna loved the music.  She had so much fun laughing and dancing around.  Afterwards we went to Chess & Maggie's house for their annual NYE party.  They are our old neighbors and since I've known them they've always thrown the best parties.  Usually its the adults inside and all the "kids" outside playing beer pong.  I was kinda worried since there is so much alcohol involved at their parties but it was a great night.  Makenna fit right in with everyone.  She particularly enjoyed watching the beer pong going on in the garage.  lol  I was going to leave a little early but with her wide awake and having so much fun we went ahead and stayed for the countdown.  At midnight I had my daughter in one arm and carefully held on to my glass of champagne with the other.  And when everyone received their New Year's kiss I got mine from the most important person in my life.  =)  This by far has been the best NYE ever.  I will make sure and post pics soon!  Happy 2011!!!!!