Over the weekend....

I went to the Common concert the other night which was as always….amazing. l don’t think I will ever get enough of him. As I repeated every word to “Faithful” and “ I Used To Love H.E.R.” I found myself filling my head with thoughts of Lamonte. I know most are probably saying, “WTF?” right now but I couldn’t help myself. See, last year when Common came to town Lamonte was who I went with. I sat and reminisced for a bit wondering what it would have been like if things hadn’t happened the way they did. Regret is not something I normally allow myself to do but at that moment it was floating around me. As my eyes began to water, I felt a tap on my shoulder from my sister. She was pointing out that Common had started his Ode to Hip Hop. A familiar beat began to play… “It was all a dream…” Back to reality! Thank goodness for Biggie. I knew better than to take a trip down memory lane and I’m so thankful I was interrupted. Unfortunately this wasn’t the last time I would need a reality check over the course of the weekend.

After the concert, Brittany and I went to dinner and ironically ran into Lamonte’s old friends. Typical. To make sure and keep him completely out of my head for the remainder of the night I decided to stop by my friend’s house on the way home. It definitely worked. Maybe a little too much. After an hour or so of being there I found myself in a familiar situation. One that happens way too often. We always flirt and test the fine line between friends/lovers however lately I’ve noticed myself wanting a little more of a lover than a friend. Yes, this would be who my Valentine’s Day blog was about. Knowing he would never want a relationship with me I have been telling myself never to let it go too far. Playful kissing and spooning was as much as I could allow without getting myself hurt. WRONG! I left that night having even stronger feelings for him and knew I should probably back off. “I’ll start next week!” I told myself. =)

I was woken up Sunday morning by my normal Twitter updates. Only this time, they were slightly disappointing. Turns out he had some company the night before and let’s just say he “sealed the deal”. This wasn’t out of his character so why did I now have a knot in my stomach? I mean, I’ve known him for years and he’s always lived that playboy type of lifestyle. I may have not been thrilled a time or two but never had I felt this amount of jealously and betrayal. It was as if he had cheated on me. WTF was my problem? Why were there tears in my eyes? We’ve been playing this game forever and I knew my role. After texting him with a few smart ass comments about what happened I finally became more rational and explained how it made me feel. I know it wasn’t his fault. He is single and has every right to live that way but it just hurt because I thought there was more to us than what went down. At this point, I was very glad I never followed through with my last blog. That would have turned into a disaster. He told me he would try and be more considerate of my feelings and not post things like that for me to see but that shouldn’t be his job. I’m 26 years old and should be able to handle the situation, right?

My way of dealing meant going out and having drinks with another guy that night. A pattern I thought I would have changed by now. It was nice having a drink or two. Okay who am I kidding…more like three or four. Haha However, once I started feeling a slight bit tipsy my “date” decided to confess his feelings for me for the 3rd time this year. Only this time I did not give him the “Just don’t see you that way” speech. He’s an extremely nice guy, my family loves him, and he’s been there to take me out during my entire pregnancy and after in order to keep me sane. All without ever wanting anything more than I was willing to give. The fact that he seems to be absolutely crazy about me was just an added bonus. So this time I should have said I was interested right? Of course, however my response was “I’m just not ready to be in a relationship since having Makenna.” What the hell is my problem now? After dealing with what I did that morning you’d think I’d want to jump on a chance at dating one of the good guys. NOPE! I had ZERO desire. Any normal female in my situation would want to try out something with a person who she could actually be happy with someday. Not someone who she would never trust and would more than likely break her heart once again. Not me though. I apparently enjoy living in misery and dealing with heartbreak on a daily basis. Haha. Okay, on a serious note though, what is wrong with me? After all I’ve been through why would I still allow myself to turn someone like him down and keep waiting on another who more than likely will never steer down my path? I guess we never truly change.

TWITTER - Hill Harper

Damn I really am becoming obsessed with Twitter. Love following Hill Harper. He is just so damn sexy! =) Okay okay...back to getting ready for my appt.

SparkPeople

Well I joined Sparkpeople again today. Not sure if I ever mentioned it but it's a pretty helpful weightloss website. Based on your weight, height, and physical activities it calculates exactly how many calories you should intake daily. I started a week and a half before finding out I was pregnant and lost 10 pounds right away. Hoping to continue the success now that I have had Makenna. 22 pounds down so far. Of course I gained 14 of those while pregnant but hey...its something right? haha

Anyhow, Becki and I went grocery shopping last Friday and she has me trying to eat more natural products. We'll see how this goes. I never realized how many things I had were made with "enriched flour". Not good! So I made sure everything I bought was whole wheat. Of course half of it tastes like cardboard but maybe it will help me in decreasing how many carbs I consume. I definitely could cut back on them.


Well I'm about to get ready to go see the doctor and hoping that I will have lost more weight since last time. Also hoping she'll give me the okay to start exercising again. If anything, I'm going to start walking again each night to get me going again so I won't be completely out of it when I get back into the gym. Besides, Becki has me interested in joining a fastpitch softball team again and well, I HAVE to be in shape so I need to get started ASAP!

VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Well it's that time of year again. You know. The time for shades of pink/red everywhere, chocolates, roses, strawberries, etc. YUCK! haha Just kidding. Yes, I'm just like every other typical woman and I do feed into the Valentine's Day hype. This year is different though. I'm single and while I've been single on Valentine's Day before, I'm still a little bitter from my last relationship. I had all week to listen to everyone discuss their plans for today and who they were sharing it with. When I complained about not having a Valentine every one's response was, "You have Makenna". Very true. She is the person I care about the most and so it would be only natural to share today with her. BUT........... we all know we still want to have that significant other. That person you just can't get enough of. So this made me really think. I went through memories of all my past relationships, why they failed, what was good about them, and what I've learned? Who made me laugh? Who made me cry? Who is still in my life? And who I never want to see again? When it came down to it there was one person who kept popping up. He's been in my life for 7 years and I don't see him going anywhere anytime soon. I've lusted after him, loved him, mistreated him, been mistreated by him, hated him, forgave him, and found myself always running back to him. I grew up in front of him and learned a lot along the way. He is one of the few people who have always been completely honest with me no matter what. Sometimes this was a lot to take in but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I believe only true friends can be brutally honest and still have a positive effect. He keeps me in line, looks after me, and definitely is not afraid to tell me when I'm screwing up. Whether its a shoulder I need to cry on or just a night of watching tv over at his place to put me in a better mood he's always there. While I've tried to not be attracted to him its been pretty undeniable since the day we met. He just has a weird hold on me. I can't stop smiling everytime I'm around him and when I get a random text I find myself getting that warm feeling inside.

My friend Becki asked me last night if I had ever really been in love. I told her yes, once with Lamonte. But was that true? The more I thought about it the more I realized that there was someone else. Someone I can never imagine not being part of my life. And that's him. Could this explain why I still find myself getting jealous when I see that he's dating other women? I try to joke about it and laugh it off in order to still play the friend role but truth is it hurts so much when I think about it. I literally get sick to my stomach. He's on my mind constantly. When I'm having a good day he's the first person I want to share it with. When I feel like my whole world is crashing down he's the first person I want to run to. I picture him in my life forever. Some may say this would make him my bestfriend. Some may say I am IN LOVE with him. Either way, it will never be more than what it is. I'd rather keep the relationship I have with him then risk letting him know how I truly feel. So after today I won't discuss it again. Just figured when you have such strong feelings you deserve to let them out at least once. Well here was my chance and why not today right? Happy Valentine's Day!

Distance from Lamonte

Well I finally received a voicemail from Lamonte regarding Makenna. Keep in mind this is AFTER I emailed him letting him know he really didn't have to be in her life because it didn't seem like he wanted to be anyways. His voicemail basically asked what he needed to do in order to be on her birth certificate. Is he serious? He hasn't even asked how she has been since the day she was born. I wrote back and give him the information on how to be added to the birth certificate against my better judgement and what do you know...haven't heard from him since. Am I wrong for being so angry with him? I guess its just that I have had to listen to everyone bad mouth him during my pregnancy and I've always stopped them and reminded them that while he disappeared shortly after finding out I was pregnant he never technically said he wouldn't take care of her. In fact, he told me over and over again he wanted to be part of her life. So when he told me he was coming to town the weekend I was scheduled to have her I thought he was following through with his promises. However, when the day finally came he didn't show up and only called for a few short seconds after I delivered. I didn't even get to give him her stats before the nurse asked me to get off the phone. I told him to call me back in the next few minutes, he said okay but then I never heard from him again. Not until 2 weeks later when I received the voicemail regarding the birth certificate. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing in telling him just to continue to stay away but everytime I look at her I can't stand to think she may have to deal with him in the future. Do I think he would love her? Yes. But, do I really want to put her through him coming and going? I thought I could handle it and just let her make her own decisions but its so hard now that she's finally here. They say a mother will do anything to protect her child and I finally know exactly how that feels. I look at Makenna everyday and all of the people who love and care for her. She's adorable and such a sweetheart. I don't understand how someone could NOT want to be part of her life and well that is what Lamonte has shown. As a father you'd think he'd want to check up on her and make sure she's doing well but that has not happened. Maybe he does care but if so, he has a strange way of showing it. No one knows what the future holds but one thing is for sure. She is a blessing and the only good thing that ever came out of our relationship. I will continue to try my best to keep her from getting hurt but I will admit distancing her from him is going to be hard. I wanted so badly for him to be in her life and I will always wonder what it would have been like for her to be close with him. I truly hope I'm doing the right thing.

Makenna Jayde Price

Well so much for me updating my blog all the time....

It's been awhile and well my little girl is finally here.

Makenna Jayde Price was born January 24, 2010 at 6:49pm. She weighed 6lbs 7oz and was 18 1/2 inches long.
She has blonde/brownish colored hair, Lamonte's dimples, and a beautiful smile. I absolutely love her.

25 week update!!!

As of Monday, I’m 25 weeks pregnant. This is going by way too quickly. I’m finally at a point where I feel pregnant. Clothes do not fit anymore, heartburn is horrible, can’t bend down to tie my shoes as easily, and I get zero sleep at night. The joys of pregnancy. (sigh) It really hasn’t been a horrible pregnancy though. I like to complain daily but it really has been a good pregnancy. And all the annoying things that happen just remind me that I will have a bundle of joy in just a few more months.
So the most amazing thing about being pregnant so far is feeling her move. At first it freaked me out but now that I’ve become more use to it, I love it. When I’m down and feeling completely alone she gives me a good kick to let me know I’m not and she’s there for me. =) I’ll be going in 3 more weeks to have the 3D/4D ultrasound. Can’t wait. We’ll see if I’m having an alien or a princess. To date, she’s been an alien. Hopefully now she’s ready for her tiara. We will see.